A Fine Balance

Sunrise at the top of Sleeping Giant

Next to less money, balance is the biggest adjustment for me to make on my path to actualizing dreams. Since we are recreating our lives with intention, it helps when I pay attention. I have yet to cultivate patience and have crammed the last six weeks with change, and yesterday it came to a head. 

Whoever came before me, scattered rose petals. They brightened the trail from top to bottom.

Six weeks ago, we quit smoking. Yea! It finally stuck. The trick for us was electronic cigarettes, and now I find myself using it less. When we quit, I immediately felt more energy, maybe because the stress of feeling so bad about smoking was eased. Plus, I am getting more oxygen. 

Baxter enjoying the morning sun 

Five weeks ago, I started seeing Paula, a personal trainer. I lift weights twice a week for 90 minutes, and try to hike Sleeping Giant three times a week. I didn’t get a picture of me to post, but I do feel like the weight is coming off. Although there is no need to buy smaller clothes yet!

Fresh squeezed ruby red grapefruit juice made with grapefruit from a friend's tree. 

Three weeks ago, I hired a writing coach. She really got me focused, and I worked hard to find local publishers, their writing guidelines, and a list of ideas to pitch to each of them. I crafted a few letters and sent them to magazines, but I ended up firing her because she was trying to poach work that I had found for myself. 

One thing Dan and I are not going to do, is go hungry. Between the restaurant articles, farmers giving us food, and friends giving us food, we have plenty! This is a salsa I made with all local ingredients: lime, ginger, lilikoi, avocado, papaya, tomatoes, tomatillos, red onion, and basil. It doesn't look that great but it was yummy!

Wednesday, I went with Dan's boss Michele, to a Women Empowering Women networking meeting. It was really great to meet women in my community, but the pupus were atrocious. I was invited to cook for the next one, as long as I bought all the food!

Freshly harvested ginger

Thursday, Dan and I went to interview a farmer. He farms on 45 acres and gave us about 30 pounds of papayas that he just picked off the tree, along with some limes, avocados, and about 10 pounds of ginger. We had to stop by Tutu's Soup Hale and give them some ginger and avos! I made ginger-ale, and ginger popsicles. 

On September 11th, we spent our time on a boat for my farmers markets column.

Leaving Nawiliwili Harbor

Darrell, on the left, is a bail bondsman. But on Sundays, he is a commercial fisherman. Bruce, on the right, is a friend who helps him out. 

Dan got seasick, and din't appreciate me taking his picture on the "worst day of his entire life."

I, on the other hand, had a fantastic day! It reminded me of my uncle Manel and my mother, both loved to fish. Plus, Bruce is my dad's name.

First, we caught live bait.

The bait gets put in a bucket that has a hose attached to it. The hose pumps in fresh sea water and air. By the end of the trip, it was my job to get the bait and give it to Bruce. 

Friday I cooked all day for a new client. He is a bachelor and wants 10 healthy meals every other week. Before me, he lived off veggie burgers and steamed broccoli. I cooked my butt off, and I loved every minute of it! It makes me happy to cook meals that are good for him with ingredients that are good for the planet. I gave him some of my ginger-ale for a special treat.

We were doing a story on Uku, or green snapper, and Bruce caught a big one!

Yesterday, I was supposed to go to maha`ulepu for a beach clean up, stop at a farmers market for some networking, and go to a friends party. But when I got up, I felt like I was getting sick. I think someone at Paula’s said they were getting sick. So I decided I would write this blog post, and two articles for the paper, and make sure I called my niece to wish her happy birthday. 

Unfortunately, on the way up, a reef shark took most of it.

None of that happened. I crashed hard. After breakfast, I fell asleep. I did a little restorative yoga after Dan went to work, had lunch, and fell asleep until he came home. I just didn’t have anything left. 

The fish was about this big before it got ate by the shark.

Fortunately for me, and despite what I sometimes think, my husband does pay attention! He could see this coming, and tried to gently warn me. But like him, I am stubborn, and I had my mind set. I needed to earn more money dammit! Before he left for work, he asked, “What do you have to get done today?” I thought for a second and petulantly said, “Nothing.” So he said, “Don’t do anything then.” 

Darrell did catch a 7 pound one, so we met him later that night at his restaurant The Jailhouse Pub, and he cooked it up and gave it to us!

Going forward, I need to remember to slow down, and enjoy paradise. My life was out of balance before, that’s why I came packing to Shangri-la. Without the overhead that we had in Colorado, I can afford to say, “Hey! Slow down. Stop and smell the plumerias.” 

The whole fish was steamed, then topped with thinly sliced fresh ginger and green onions. Darrell poured hot peanut oil over the top to crisp things up, then warm say sauce for flavor. YUM!

But I wonder, why is it so hard to be happy with what I have. Wanting more always steals my joy, my time, and my energy. Has anyone out there figured out how to create balance in their lives?

This morning, Dan got up at 4:30 to catch the sunrise.

September 11, 2001

I will never forget.

I Forgot To Be Grateful

me at the farmers market with my new shirt. I've got wing beans in my left hand and ginger in the right.

I forgot to be grateful for what I have. And I learned that when you want something you can’t have, it’s easy to forget about what you do have.

Thursday morning I woke up feeling blue. I spent a lot of energy doing the homework my writing coach assigned me. On Tuesday, I submitted a cover letter and resume for a local food magazine. My coach says I’m perfect for the job, but I still haven’t heard from them. Fine, I know freelance writing is going to be tough, and I know I need to do something else to supplement writing.

Wing beans taste like green beans

I wasn’t going to be able to keep seeing my trainer, I can’t afford it. An idea came to me last week when I went to my trainer’s house, and a client of hers jokingly suggested I go upstairs and make them all lunch. On the drive home I thought I could make healthy lunches for the ladies, and that would pay for my classes and then some.

Paula, my trainer, with Jen

I made flyers and dropped them off. I had visions of my email box filling up, and the money for Thursday’s class appearing. It didn’t happen. So Thursday morning I lay in bed, mourning the loss of the class. It didn’t work out, it would be my last day.

I snuggled closer to Dan. He has always been super tuned into how I’m feeling, and he could tell something was up. He didn’t say anything. He just held me, caressed my face, stroked my hair. He looked me in the eye, his bright blue eyes blazing with love and concern.

On the hike up Sleeping Giant, there are towering pine trees.

I had a check in my hand, and when I walked in Paula was in the other room finishing up with Beatrice. I set the check on the counter and began my stretches. I noticed that my flyers were set out.

A grove of eucalyptus trees means I'm close to the top

Susanna was on the chi machine, the last part of the work out. You lay on your back with an eye pillow, and you get slowly vibrated—it’s supposed to move the lactic acid from your system so you don’t get sore. I guess it works because I haven’t gotten sore. 

Wailua River

Jen and Helen came bustling in, full of energy and catching up on two days worth of events—we’re the Monday/Thursday ladies. Paula and Beatrice joined us and Paula said, “Marta has something she’d like to tell you ladies.” Uh, I do? Ok cool, I can step up. So, I gave them my spiel. Beatrice ordered a lunch for next Thursday!

The Wailua Homesteads is where Dan and I hope to live one day

While we were working out, Paula told me of a client in Princeville. She is 68 years old and walks every day, swims four times a week, and plays golf two or three times a week. She is seeing Paula to introduce weights and stretching to her routine. Paula suggested to her that I could make her some healthy meals. 

The Houselots

As Jen, Helen and I prepared to leave. Dixie and another lady came in, and Paula had me explain my idea to them. Dixie is leaving to Peru next week, and the other lady sounded interested but didn’t order.

After the exercise and support I felt better. I came home to get the dogs and take them to hike Sleeping Giant, when I found love notes all over the house, six of them. On my mirror, on the bathroom morror, in the shower, inside my laptop, in the book I’m reading, and on the water pitcher in the fridge! 

And then I realized, I have everything I need.

Writing and Sweating

Walking Baxter, during the morning sunrise.

Whew! I am pooped. I have been writing since 8 a.m., and we have a restaurant to do tonight. It’s at the Hyatt in Poipu, an upscale resort serving Italian food with an ocean view. Sucks to be me! But, that’s in two hours and Dan still has to come home from his photo tour.

I hired a writing coach, and she is the real deal. I bought her book, “Will Write For Food” in 2005, when I was thinking about switching careers. Somehow, the book made it to Hawaii. I have been reading it because it covers restaurant reviews. I decided I needed to hire a big gun to help me take my writing to the next level. Sure, I could have done what most writers do, send out pitch after pitch, and saving up to 100 rejection letters like a badge of honor, but I really don’t have time for that.

It looks cold in this picture but it isn't. I interviewed a local commercial fisherman for my Farmers Markets column. He is going to take us out on his boat in two weeks and we'll learn about fishing!

She’s got me coming up with ideas and condensing them to two sentence pitches. I need to find markets for those ideas and explain why each market is appropriate. In the meantime, I have my two MidWeek columns due, and Thursday night I helped a friend cook for the monthly Chamber of Commerce mixer—Hawaii style; outside, no shoes and lots of aloha.

My gluten-free baker friend and I hiked Sleeping Giant last Sunday. It's an awesome workout as it's mostly uphill. For my friends in Colorado, it reminds me of Mt Falcon in Morrison. It's a two hour hike that burns 800 to 1000 calories! Our goal is to do it every Sunday. I'll have her take my picture in this same spot so you can watch me lose weight, and grow my hair back out!

I also hired a personal trainer. I love going to her house because she has a girlie gym. It’s tough and soft at the same time.  Weights and weight machines fill two rooms, colored tapestries and scarves hang from walls and windows, upbeat music plays from her iPad, and older women work out. I’m older now! My workout partner last Thursday was 69-years-old! Awesome! It’s a real communal feeling, and the women are so nurturing. They all support, and recommend each others services. I’m hoping I can lose weight, build muscle, make some friends and get some work! Bummer is, I may have to quit if I can’t find a way to pay for my new habit. Speaking of, yes! We are still smoke-free, but still depending on e-cigs!

Well, I have to get cleaned up and do a little research before we go. It’s been hot here, not as hot as on the Mainland, but the trade winds have subsided so sweat drips down my body as I write. Ew! Good thing I work from home, alone.

Enjoy the pictures, we had some fun this week!

Sending lots of love and light to those on the East coast dealing with hurricane Irene.

 The owners of Kauai Photo Tours and Dan's bosses, Michele and Vince. Last Saturday, they took their employee's and their wives/girlfriends out to a nice dinner. 

Dan and his fellow tour guide Matt. 

 Levi is the third photo tour guy, he's sitting next to Corene, she pays the bills.

Michele and Vinces son Scott with his girlfriend.

Chris is the new guy. He and his girlfriend got here last week, and he got hired this week.

Thoughts Become Things

Dan's panorama of Hanalei Bay.

Two years ago, we returned from our vacation in Kauai and began the process of moving. In the six months it took us to move, I spent every night “feeling” how my new life would be. 

This week we went to a cafe for a restaurant profile. There was a jazz band, it's a charming place to eat!

I didn’t get into specifics like, “On April 25, 2012, I wrote an awesome book and earned $2,000,000,000.00.” But, I was specific about how I wanted to feel, and what my life would be like. 

Dan always takes the pictures for my articles, and while we waited for our food, he took pictures of the table! Here's what he shot.

I believe thoughts become things. Thoughts reflect how you see the world, and how you see the world informs your actions. Everyone faces the same stresses, fears and insecurities. It’s what you tell yourself that makes the difference. If you say to your self, “I could never do that!” Then you’ve already decided. It’s like my mom used to say, “If you don’t ask, you already have no for an answer.”

I also interviewed a farmer who grows green chilies! YES! I do miss the green chilies that are going off right now in Colorado!

In order for me to get some really juicy thoughts going, I have to feel really good. Luckily, I have a dog who likes to snuggle. I move the sheets back, pat the side of the bed and he silently hops in. 

John tells me about Breadfruit.

I’m on my side, and he is on his—we are both facing the wall. He cinches himself closer until there is no space between my skin and his fur. Soon, he is softly snoring, and I am happily feeling his love.

I also believe that love is the most powerful emotion, and the only thing worth living for. You can give love to your cat, neighbor, spouse or a stranger. It’s as simple as a heartfelt wish for the other to be happy, a thanks for making you happy.  

I ended up doing two weeks of stories this week, Dan got this shot at a cake tasting we went to.

I love my dog very much, and petting his soft fur while he nuzzles next to me makes my heart and spirit soar into realms of possibility. I feel what it would be like to be creative everyday. To be challenged in my work; to have interesting work; to have days filled with fun and laughter; to have more money than I need to pay for my life; to make connections; to see the beauty that surrounds me; to be curious and adventurous; to rely on my instincts—of how I feel, to dictate my decisions. If it feels bad, I won’t do it. No matter how good it sounds.

We went to Kilohana Plantation to do a story on a train ride.

Every morning I wake to the sun rising, the roosters crowing, and somewhere in the night, Baxter has jumped back up to my side. I think about all I have to be grateful for. A loving husband; two awesome dogs; a warm, safe and dry roof over my head; health; work I am passionate about; new friends; a fridge loaded with fresh, local food; the rugged glory of the mountains and the tranquil power of the sea; a soft bed and warm water.

Dan listens to his instincts.

Everyday is a gift. I’ve always known this, but living my dreams makes life delicious. Everyday I get to wake when I want, write about what I like, love and be loved, I get paid to be me, and walk in the astounding nature that surrounds me. It’s amazing, and I created it!

My book club meets at Lydgate Beach Park. This month's book was called Infidel. You can see my shadow in the picture.

Change

Friday was an amazing day at the beach. Yes, they pretty much are all amazing, but normally there is a haze in the air, and cloudy skies. It was crystal clear, the sky was bright blue, and the water was perfect.

Besides death and taxes, the only thing you can be sure of is change. As you might imagine, my relationship with my folks has changed significantly since I left. What was once punctuated with misunderstanding and hurt feelings blossomed into strong connection and a better understanding of the other.

The distance has enabled me to see how much my parents cared for me. I am able to see the sacrifices they made, the good and steady home they maintained, and the love they gave; all in the spirit of doing the best they knew how.

The dogs had a great time at the beach.

I’m not sure, but I think my folks have a renewed respect for me as person. I think they see me as courageous instead of crazy. It’s not like they have said they are proud of me or anything, but I can tell by my mom’s voice that she is kind of living vicariously through me. My dad’s judgmental concerns have softened into curiosities. 

Just as I was basking in this new—and deeply longed for—relationship with my parents, a bittersweet change came along. 

About six months ago, my mom began seeing a massage therapist. Because her body is bound up in 82-years’ worth of knots, she needed a lot of massage. A lot of massage is expensive. My mother’s massage therapist is an angle on earth, and she and her husband have provided more than massage for my folks.

Last weekend Dan decided to get his surfboard wet.

She has been very generous with her time, giving them hour massages for $25. He helps dad with his computer, and she straightened out dad’s affairs when he thought he lost his checkbook and closed the account. 

The four of them spend a lot of time together. The angels take care of things around the house and mom makes them dinner. Recently, they have been going to restaurants and celebrating birthdays. Today as I spoke with my mom, she was eagerly awaiting their arrival. This afternoon they are going to lunch by the lake.

I am extremely grateful that these angels are there to help my folks. And, the angel says she is happy to do it, hoping someone is doing the same for her folks who are in another state. 

He's one of those little dots out there.

I know my folks miss me, and I miss them. When the four of them are together, mom calls to say hi. Lots of laughter make it difficult for me to hear. This is how I got to meet their angel. One time the angel said she wanted to come to Hawaii, and that she and her husband were planning a visit. Since my folks wanted to come again, I suggested they come together. They decided on September 2012.

My brother has a lot of frequent flyer miles, and offered to pay for their flight, as long as it was a family affair. Meaning, as long as he and his family and my folks were the only ones going. 

Dan is explaining Bokeh in his blog, and needed a picture for it.

Mom is heartbroken. She does consider their angels to be part of the family, (as do I), and said they acted more like family than my brother. 

My brother’s strong reaction unearthed emotions I had been repressing. Those of being replaced. It stung a little deeper while I was on the phone with mom. After I spoke with her for a while, she asked dad if he wanted to talk to me. He said, “Nah.”

After a hot day at the shop, Dan matts his prints. 

I hung up the phone and tried to be a big girl. I thought, “It is what it is. I left. They have someone who is in their lives everyday. I am glad for the angels, they easy my worries because I know my folks are being taken care of.” Despite my efforts, tears blurred my vision as I told Dan that my mom’s solution to my brother’s demand is to not come. 

Happy at home with a cold tangerine juice cocktail.

So, I have been mourning the loss of my parents. It seems a bit premature I guess, they are still here. I can’t decide if I’m being too dramatic, childish; a victim maybe? I mean, I understand I live across the ocean, but still, it hurts. I need a good two hours on my yoga matt.

Last night we were chasing the sunset.