Saturday, September 12, 2009

A Note to My Husband

Hey baby,
I'm worried about you. We both know the house can't sell soon enough. We each have our seperate reasons.

I see you on the weekends so light and happy. Plugged in, conversational, upbeat. I really appreciate all the things you do around the house. Laying tile, painting, yard work, picking up dog poop, keeping the cars clean and maintained, posting things on the Internet for us to sell, doing bills, taking out the trash, fixing things, doing laundry, fixing my computer, installing new programs, helping me figure something out (you have the patience for that) helping make dinner, washing dishes (wash/dry/put), taking the dogs to get groomed or to the vet, and countless other things. I don't have to ask, you never complain. All of these things I see as tokens of love. On the weekends you are a happy man. It takes you a good couple of hours to relax into it, but once you are there, you are patient, kind, gentle, and loving to me and the dogs. You are funny and fun to be around. You have a smile on your face when you talk. Singing silly songs while we walk, you jut your elbow out wanting me to hook my wagon to yours.

Then Tuesday morning rolls around. You are irratable, short with me and the dogs. Quick to find fault. Impatient, grumpy. As the day wears on you complain about everything. The smallest thing will annoy you and you will vent about it until the next irratation comes along. It only gets worse as the week wears on. I take no offence. I know where this is coming from. I know it's not personal. Still, it's no fun to be around. I know you feel underappreciated, and you are. You are brilliant at whatever you do but editing brings your A game out. You know that box as well as you know me. You are creative and capable of understanding technical specs better than I or most editors ever could. It's in your DNA. That's why you are in more demand than any other editor there. That and because the status quo just won't do for you, you have to put your "signature" on everything you edit. Even if that means trying something new, learning, pushing yourself. You love to figure things out. Challenge yourself. Everyone knows this, even management. They take advantage of it instead of encouraging it. You are a natural leader, they won't let you lead. They want to have the knowledge that you spend hours researching but don't want to reward you for it. You are under pressure working on originals and marketing. Both demand a lot of approvals from various levels of management and as a result loads of revisions. You remember which graphic is current and where to find it, do you use a copyright or registration mark? The producer doesn't know but you do. You've asked for a break, you can do one or the other but not both, it's too much. They hear you but only offer more of the same. You have no power but everyone, including management, seeks out your expertise. The producers have come to rely on you. Dropping their work off, they know you'll get it done and get it done right with that Dan Lane signature they all clamour for. I know it's wearing you out, I see it crush your spirit every day that you are there.

It's time for us to go, try something new. Get to know eachother even better, fall in love a little more. I hope it happens sooner than later, for your sake, for my sake, for our sake.

I love you sweetheart...

-- Posted from my iPhone

Sunrise in Colorado

Except for the glow of my iPhone, it's pretty much pitch black. Its 5:35am. I'm alone, outside, on the deck, smoking one of my last cigarettes. I'm quitting on Thursday. The only sound is an occasional car and the trickle of our little Buddah water fountain. My breath comes out like little clouds, fall is here in 8 days and I can feel it in the crisp air. Last night I was excited because I could sleep in this morning. This week wore me out. Clenching my teeth takes more out of me than I realized. My neck gets ramrod tight and constantly hurts, it goes up into my head down to my shoulders and across my chest. I wrote in my blog the other day that I didn't understand why I was so stressed. Tiffany, a thoughtful, sweet young lady, reminded me yesterday that I have a lot going on. That I'm trying to balance letting life play out with the unknown. Of course she's right, our stressors (and character flaws) are so obvious to the other while we spin around in circles wondering what is wrong. After all, I am leaving behind a 25 year career, a life time in this state and a lot of friends and family. As a matter of fact, that's why I'm up so early on a Saturday morning. I was sound asleep, cozy and warm in our king sized bed. Lucy along side me, softly snoring, Baxter is on the floor and Dan sound asleep. Mentally, I slam foreward, almost sitting upright. I'm having a conversation with my boss, telling him I am leaving. He asks my why and I can't answer him!

Well, the day is here. I will miss these beautiful sunrises and my beautiful state. But onward to other beautiful sunrises in another beautiful state!

-- Posted from my iPhone