Merry Christmas!

I gotta say, going into this day I was shut down, not knowing what to expect I wasn't prepared to feel anything, plus we are still a little sick. We headed out to my brothers house at 11am. The jeep was silent as we drove in the 19 degree weather down streets lined with brown snow. The sky was whitish grey and the Christmas decorations on Main Street, stood sentinel, alone. The day seemed a perfect metaphor for how I felt. On a childish impulse, I put on Green Day's American Idiot/Jesus of Surburbia, the music turned down, we kinda jammed to ourselves. At one point I leaned over and cranked it, the band was singing "I don't care if you don't, I don't care if you don't, I don't care if you don't care... oo oo oo I don't care!" when they got to this lyric, we were really getting into it:
Everyone is so full of shit
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled but never saved
From the cradle to the grave
We are the kids of war and peace
From Anaheim to the middle east
We are the stories and disciples
Of the Jesus of suburbia
Land of make believe
That don't believe in me
Land of make believe
And I don't believe
And I don't care!
I don't care!"

We were really getting into it, and at one point we just looked at each other and started cracking up! 


Everyone was already there as we pulled in front of Greg's house and my stomach began to lurch. At the door, the kids greeted us with squeals of delight. Walking in, we said hello and Merry Christmas to everyone, we didn't say anything to Barb bad Greg, they didn't say anything to us. Having greeted (almost) everyone, I went into the kitchen to put out the food we brought; salted peanut bars (my personal new favorite, a hopelessly addicting confection that Beth brought to our going away party), spicy sausage dip (another keeper from the going away party that Nichole brought) and "deviled eggs". They are technically stuffed eggs since there is no spice in them to make them deviled. Barb breaks the ice. She put a salted peanut bar in her mouth as she asks me what it is, loves it and we talk about how I made them, she wants the recipe. She moves over to the spicy sausage dip and slathers some onto a piece of toast I brought to accompany the dip, I warn her that it's hot, she takes a little off, and loves it. She wants the recipe for that too. The ice is mostly melted now. I get some sangria to help loosen me up and sit down with Dan who is playing pick up sticks with the kids. We fall into a comfortable rhythm, everyone is cheerful, in the holiday mood. Setting up for the family portrait was hilarious, trying to get everyone in the right place and the kids to smile all at once. 

At one point, over dinner, Greg includes me in his conversation and at that moment I know everything is ok and mom and dad will get their birthday party. We left Greg's house at 5 and headed out into the dark, cold, snowy night with our bellies full and our spirits lightened. On the 45 minute ride home, Dan's sister Susan texted me and wanted to know if we wanted to stop by for some pie and coffee. We headed home to feed the dogs and let them out and then went over to Sue's house. Welcoming as always, the family was really happy to see us, as we were them. We caught up, I played with Savannah's Wii yoga, Dan helped Jonathon with his computer problem, the boys played some kind of DJ video game, Dan schooled Sue in Farmville while I went upstairs to Savannah's room to listen to her play piano. We played Pit, our traditional game. It's a stock market game and get's really loud and is a lot of fun. Finally, at midnight we headed home, even more uplifted, such a great family! 





Recipe for Salted Peanut Bars

Ingredients:
1 box yellow cake mix
1 egg
1/3 cup softened butter
1 1/2 cups mini marshmallows
1 pkg. (10oz) peanut butter chips
2 Tbsp. peanut butter
2/3 cup white corn syrup
1/4 cup softened butter
2 tsp. vanilla
2 cups Rice Krispies
10oz pkg. salted peanuts

Directions:
Mix yellow cake mix, 1 egg and 1/3 cup softened butter until crumbly and then press into a 9x13 pan (no need to grease this) and bake at 350 degrees for 12 minutes. Next, cover with the 1 1/2 cups marshmallows and put back in the oven until the marshmallows puff up.

Meanwhile, melt the peanut butter chips and then combine with 2 Tbsp. peanut butter, corn syrup, 1/4 cup softened butter and the vanilla. Then add the Rice Krispies and salted peanuts to that mix. Once everything is combined, dump this mixture over the marshmallows to cover.

this needs to sit for a while to set up. you can put it in the fridge for a couple hours if you are in a hurry. Enjoy!


Recipe for Spicy Sausage Dip


1 lb. of your favorite sausage ( we used Spicy Italian)
1 can Rotel tomatoes with habeneros 
1 block of cream cheese, room temperature


Remove sausage from casing and brown in skillet, add tomatoes and cream cheese, mix. Serve with toasts.

Resoulition?

The more I know, the more I know I don't know that much. I think I understand. I thought I understood. Time is so fluid, bending to each moment, showing me a new angle, something I hadn't noticed before. It reminds me of my favorite Grateful Dead song lyric "Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right". My friends Brian and Deb have shown me that no matter how (dis)functional your family is, they are your family. That doesn't mean you buy into abusive, insensitive or mean behaviours. But maybe you can tolerate it a little easier if you put yourself in their shoes, something I can extend to friends and colleagues easier than I could family. In the process of leaving, I have noticed that people either share in our joy or repel from it. I, being me, took it personal and found fault with it. Deb has helped me understand that it's just hard to say goodbye, and some folks would rather not do it. Maybe they decide to circumnavigate the goodbye by avoiding the person, maybe they create distance through strife to make it easier. I have learned not to take it personally. Some people understand it is life, people have to go their own way, down their own lumpy path, to find their home. Back in the day there were heartfelt letters and occasional visits to keep in touch. Today, with technology, it's easier to stay connected. Facebook, email, Skype, cell phones, we can stay connected. It isn't as intimate as being there but it is better than nothing. Dan and I got hit by the dreaded and much feared H1N1, and are living to tell about it! We have spent the last 5 days recovering. We are doing pretty good today, I'm still pretty woozy. I think tomorrow I can go into my brothers house with peace in my heart, goodwill towards my family, hope for an apology and expect nothing. I got the talkin part done, wish me luck! I do think we'll all be closer for it. Already, I feel closer to my folks. I see now, they have been walking a tightrope. One side is staying connected with Dan and I. The other, the opposite. They are going to miss us, the things we do for them, the easy companionship we provide. They fear for our safety, maybe even our marriage. They do the best they can, sometimes falling on the side of disconnection sometimes, bringing us closer. I too walk a tightrope, one side old grievances easily triggered by something as small as a tone in their voice, the other side is connection.  I can not control how our friends and family decide to react to our departure. I can understand, that for some, it is a hard thing to support. Life is for the living. Dan and I need to do this for ourselves, for our marriage. I can already see Dan easing into this new life. Being sick has forced him to relax. Yesterday, we decided to go into work. The closer we got, the grumpier he got. We didn't last long, wore out by the effort once we got there. The further away we got the happier he got. We decided that since we were out, we may as well pick up some staples, mail the certified check for rent and deposit, and change the title on the jeep over to our names. Usually, when he is sick and having to run errands he is not his best self. Yesterday though, I saw the Dan I fell in love with. I like to call him Danny. Patient, kind, playful, thoughtful. We used to go to the mountains a lot. Once he got up there, a big smile would spread across his face and his eyes would be the color of the Colorado sky. He would be so happy, content, easy, adventurous, bold. Dan and his friend Damon, in these moments would say "aaahhh, look at them blue jays". So, I call them his blue jay eyes. Recapturing those blue jay eyes is part of what this move is about. Why stay in a place when you are not challenged or inspired or have a place to grow towards? I understand if you have a family to support, perfectly reasonable thing to do. We have no kids, we have each other. This is what we have to do.

On a lighter note, we got our HD camera today. He is very excited about it. We'll shoot the family tomorrow and maybe I'll learn how to post video!!

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I am amazed at the power and strength my inner voice has given me, that using my voice has given me. When it came to defending myself, always, in my family, I have kept silent. By speaking out to Greg in what I believe was a firm way, with the idea of standing up for myself, I have received yet another lesson. I feel like I can stand up straighter, a little taller. I'm stronger for it.

Later that evening...

And the lessons keep pouring in. Deb, my steadfast, compassionate, supportive friend read my recent posts and sent me this email. God, I  love her, wise woman that she is! But, with her honest opinion, which rings true in my ears, comes more confusion. Was is not my higher voice shouting out but my baby girl voice?

Even later that evening...

To set the lesson, we watched Ice Age 2. Basically, I watched what I am going through right now in a cartoon!

On Dec 23, 2009, at 5:09 PM, Deb wrote:

Hey baby, a little story:

So, when I was in Korea, I had a really tight relationship with a few British people - one guy in particular, Chris.  I had quite a crush on him and he did on me too.  But, there was another woman who also had a  crush on Chris, was very possessive and was my roommate.  She did everything she could to keep Chris and I apart.  Chris asked me to go to Thailand and China with him when he left.  I still had 6 months on my contract, so said I couldn't at that time. 

The story is, about 2 months before he left and after I told him I wouldn't go with him for now he started acting weird; he really started pulling away from not just me (but it was particularly with me) the whole close knit group. See, Chris was the first to leave the group.  The closer time came for him to leave, the more he wouldn't have anything to do with any of us and, in fact, started hanging out exclusively with the people he always hated and put down constantly.  Suddenly it was like he was in love with these guys and in deep hate with us. 

We all got together (his old group and his new group and students of his) and had a big surprise going away party for him; and he didn't show up.  Thinking that perhaps wires got crossed and maybe he didn't know he was suppose to drop in at the friend's that night, we called him and actually begged him to come and told him about the party, but he refused - and later he wouldn't even answer his phone.  He didn't come home until the next morning just to make sure that no one was waiting for him (his roommate and a few of his new friends were.) 

He only said goodbye to his new friends, never said goodbye to me or my roommate (we 3 were the closest) or even his own roommate and some of the other older group.  I was heartbroken, and just couldn't understand what had happened.  He sent postcards while he traveled only to the school, never to any of us; and only emailed members of the the new group. 

I had been back in the States for at least a year before he finally emailed me.  He was in Bangkok and wanted to know if I wanted to meet him there and then go to Japan to teach for a while.  I was already in Colorado by then and my life was set for the time.  I tried to get him to come here, but he wouldn't.  We emailed for at least a year back and forth, but it finally ended when I lost a job and my email address and didn't remember his.  

This is what I realized later...saying goodbye to people you really care about affects people differently.  Chris was the first to go, but in the next 6 months I saw people change in various ways before they left too.  Most withdrew from the people closest to them.

That was my M.O. too.  Because I was always the one who left, I didn't know the affects.  I always sort of sneaked out of town without saying goodbye too - esp. when I knew it was somewhere I wouldn't return too.  I had myself convinced that no one really cared anyway, or would even notice my absence.  (I would often find out later that some really did miss me, and would ask what the heck had happened.  My answer was always that it was just too hard for me to say goodbye.)  Since I was the person (up until Korea) that was always leaving, I didn't really notice how people (myself included) acted.

I think the people closest to you are the ones who act the worse --- and ---  are the ones you react to the most.  They are also the ones who hurt you the most --- but--- are also hurt by you the most.  And, because deep emotions are involved, no one can really see what is going on.

Also consider that the money he owes you may not be the real issue, but that you want to use it and your parents not applauding your move to help you separate from them.  Remember this is your first time moving away and it is really hard when you have had a close family - dysfunctional or not.  This is normal, don't worry about it.  And remember too that Dan has already gone through this process before, so leaving - even though you soo soo want it and are going to paradise - is much more traumatic to you and your parents. 

Also, about you brother....  Can you consider the fact that a man with 5 children and a wife he clearly doesn't respect or probably even love  and is struggling in building a business is pretty damned jealous of you guys getting to "run away from it all" - (I imagine that is probably the way he feels about it.)  He is probably feeding the shit to your parents as well because of his jealousy.  He is acting out.  So, the point is that you don't have to be kind to him or give him a break or anything, it is that you don't have to let it affect you because it is created from a very negative feeling.

Love you both and try to feel better - both physically and emotionally. 

Kisses

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Along time ago, about 17 years ago, my fiancee Mike told me I was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I never understood what he meant until years later. Now I see it in my family. My parents, and even by brother, can be very kind, thoughtful and loving. I haven't spoken about that part, but here is an example. My dad called, brokenhearted, after speaking with my brother. Greg called him and told him what happened. He told me what he knew and I listened. I told him how I felt and he listened. He said the biggest disappointment in his life was that my brother and I didn't get along. I told him I understood. I wish I had a brother that I could feel safe around, laugh with, share with. But, it is what it is and that isn't us. He said, through tears,  he really wanted to get a family portrait on Christmas day. As frustrated as I am, I can't take that away from him. He has been a good father, doing the best he knows how. I understand that I am shattering his version of the American Dream. I understand that mom and dad are worried for us, if we stay, we are close and safe. It's hard for him to express his love when he feels so scared about what is happening. Another benefit of this debacle with my brother is that I can see this clearly now. Somehow, it made me closer to dad. Reminded me that he is a good, kind, thoughtful, loving person. He and I aren't sure if Dan and I are welcome in Greg's house, but, I told him we would go for an hour so he could get his picture and we could see the kids one last time. Dan is reluctant, worried that another fight will break out and that he will not be able to stay silent or calm. Dad understands this and knows if Greg starts up, we will leave. I am sad because the whole reason we stayed so long is because we (I) wanted to spend the holidays and mom and dads birthday with my family. Dad says forget about their birthday, and that is sad too. We'll see what happens.

So, Dan and I called in today. My stomach isn't sending out what I put in anymore but it sure doesn't want any food. For the last 2 days I have been living on water, tea, meal shakes and some soup. I didn't really eat this morning, tried to drink a shake but only got a couple drinks down. It's 11am and I told Dan I was going to have to eat something because I'm getting really dizzy. We're going to order from our favorite chinese place, they have the best broth and they deliver, plus, we have have the leftovers for dinner.

I just got a text from Gracie. "hey I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry for that one day I was so mean and I am sorry for saying that to you" Now, it just breaks my heart that Gracie is feeling any guilt for this and is being drug into this nastiness. I wrote her back "Honey I told you it was ok, I know it's not coming from you, you heard someone else say something and it hurt your feelings so you acted out, it's ok, you're 8 that's what 8 year olds do. I so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so love you, please, please, please don't feel bad about it, it's ok". So Gracie says back " K I just really want you to come for Christmas". Dilemma. What to say to this precious 8 year old child? I ask Dan and we decide to say "We would like to also but you're gonna have to ask your dad about that". Ugh!

Dad just called after speaking with Greg. In tears, he explained that he told Greg this may be our last Christmas together and he thought we should be together. He said Greg agreed. So, my plan is to get better so I don't get anyone sick, and so I can be in tip top shape mentally, I'm going to need it!

The Gift

I have been trying to let my inner voice guide me. That is why I listened to it in regards to my brother. I went to bed last night wondering why it was so strong, with the outcome, I couldn't understand why. I woke up at 3am thinking about it again. I noticed that I had a fuck you feeling towards everyone. It has been hard for me to connect with people on an intimate level my whole life. Leaving Colorado, I wonder why I don't have very many close friends. Dan and I work hard at making our marriage work, and I am very thankful that the one deep connection I have is this one. So, laying in bed I got into a tailspin of nobody cares. I started feeling really aggressive. Then it hit me. If your family gives you the message that you don't really matter then what makes you think anyone else will care. The building block of all my self destruction as a teenager seeping into my adult life. Now I see, I needed to see. I can go forward into my new life with this awareness and make meaningful connections. One of the reasons I want to move to Hawaii is because the people there make it easier. They believe in connection.

Digital Media

Emo posted a very interesting article on Facebook yesterday. It was called How to Live Happily on 75 Percent Less. Since we will be living on considerably less than that soon, I had to read it. One video RE:Invention took my breath away. This is a 10 minute story about people who have been affected by the economy through layoffs or swindled by Bernie Madoff. Their lives are richer for their losses. Another video about how to profit from your passion interviews Gary Vaynerchuk, author of Crush it! He is all about digital media and its presence today. He is sure that like the corporate newspaper downfall, cable television subscriptions are next. He talks, passionately, about creating content for the web. Writing, videos, or audio. It doesn't matter, just create content and a lot of it. So this got my little brain churning. I have two ideas that I am really excited about. One, either continue this blog or create a new one called Island Life. Dan and I are buying a HD camera (the guy in the interview says quality doesn't matter but, come on, we're talking about Hawaii here) and with that we will travel around Kauai/Hawaii and shoot snorkel trips, events, concerts, surf competitions, hikes, bike rides, places to go and post them on the blog. We get to travel around, do cool stuff, meet cool people and write it off, possibly (hopefully) making a living. The second idea is another blog. This one would be about organic, sustainable food. Dan and I could go to restaurants, farmers markets, farms, fisherman, stores and do interviews/reviews for the blog. Brenda is going to put us in touch with her friend Nancy, she has an idea for a mini doc for the web, based on her life. Which would be interesting and fun. While shooting we could blog about her farm on the food blog. Or, we could go to the place we stayed at in Poipu, shoot the condos, orchid garden and restaurant. We could post on the Island Life blog as well as the food blog, all while writing it off! So that's my idea, today...

Ah Family!

I really don't want to contaminate this blog with hatred but I need to remember this.

I don't even know where to begin in this crazy mess. I guess I can start at the beginning. In September, Greg, my brother wanted to come over and buy some of the stuff we are selling. I told him I didn't feel comfortable dealing with family, we need to charge fair prices because everything we make is going to support our new lives. He said he understood that and came over in early October. Of course we gave  them and the kids a lot of free stuff, but the total still came to $123.00. After adding it all up, Barb says they forgot the check book. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. Ok, so you are coming over for the sole purpose of buying stuff and you forget your check book. Whatever. But, my brother is a taker. So I was immediately incensed. I decide to give them the benefit of the doubt. We see them 2 days before Thanksgiving and Barb says oh yea, I owe you some money don't I? (Really?) Yes, I say. She asks me how much (Really?) I say $123.00 and she says ok and just sits there. Three days later we are there for Thanksgiving, still no money. Needless to say we are still empty handed. Now, it isn't even about the money anymore. It's the principal of the thing. I feel like they are stealing from me, and why is it that your are a jerk for asking for your own money back? Last night I got sick, running to the bathroom four times to vomit. Dan feels sick too. At any rate, I was laying curled up in a ball, stomach cramping, skin hurting when a voice loud and clear tells me to deal with this. Dan and Deb think I should say something, I don't want to. I know it will be futile, it's a lose/lose situation whenever I try to tell my family something they don't want to hear. They get mad, turn it around on me and I just end up feeling worse. One day I vented to dad, he said he understood and wanted to fix it. He would give us the money. I told him that wasn't the point, I didn't feel like he needed to pay Greg's debts, it's the entitlement, the fact that he is basically stealing. So, this morning I sent him this text (yes, text, the older I get the less I want to argue) I warn you, it gets graphic, it escalated really quick.

From Marta to Greg and Barb: I want my money this Friday. I don't want to have to ask for it, I don't want it to be a big deal, just walk up to me and give me my money. Otherwise I will consider it stealing. What kind of people steal from family? No one with any honor, no one in my family.

Greg: I have no fucking idea what you are talking about and you better get off the crack you are smoking. You should learn what family is because you sure have no idea how to treat them. If this is over that 100 plus dollars that I thought Barb gave you no problem you can have but don't ever worry about seeing us again. Your text is nothing but pure rude. Have a nice life.

Marta: (trust me, I know this is childish and it only gets worse) How convenient that you don't know if you bills are paid or not. What is rude is stealing from your own family. I have not seen any of the money or heard anything about paying it. It isn't even about the money anymore, it's about family stealing from family. I guess we'll put the kids cards in the mail (we always give them money) , have anise life.

Greg: Man you got some balls for a woman. The kids need nothing from you anymore. Stealing is when someone does something on purpose. We did not. Barb was intending on giving you the money last time you were here but you left without giving anyone a chance to react or say goodbye. I do not pay my bills Barb does. I travel providing a living for my family not worrying about the bills. You're so simple minded. I sure hope you won't need any help if you fail in Hawaii because we will not be available.

Dan: This is Dan. Ok you sexist ass, insulting a woman is so mature. Grow up and get some therapy you angry clueless idiot. Marta tried to say goodbye but Barb was more worried about watching Tv to even respond. And ask for help from you? What would ever be the point? According to you and your bitching, you're broke and have no money. Oh wait, your business is doing swell. Get over yourself. And you should think about stopping taking from your parents and consider paying them back. You seem to take from your family really well, but paying for what you got, doesn't happen. Pathetic. And Marta reminded Barb about the money you owe us. She said oh yea, how much? Marta told her $123.00 Then Barb says ok and just sat there. Nothing about going and getting it or anything. That was when we were there with AK. We saw you again 3 days later. Nothing. I don't need the money. It's the fact that you came into my house and took things with out paying for them. That's called theft. You have had ample opportunity to make this right, but instead you are going to be the angry child and end the relationship with your sister. Your parents know all about this and have offered to pay your bills yet again. We said no because we assumed that Greg is a big boy, and can pay his own way, guess not.

Greg: man you two are perfect for each other. Who is the idiot ruining a relationship over $120.00 (you) Ally you had to say was maybe you forgot or something but could you have the money when we come over Friday? You would have got the check that has been sitting here for three fucking weeks. But I guess your extremely smart way of threatening and insulting people is much easier for you two. I have been on the road almost everyday since Thanksgiving. I assumed that my wife had sent the check but she did not. easy solution ask a question but don't threaten but I guess in your life treating people like shit gets your point across and makes you feel better. And as for mom and dad i am not the one running away, yes he helped mw while I took a risk and started a company. And yes I am repaying him by building an extra wing on my new house so they don't have to go to a nursing home, what are you doing? Oh yea, breaking his heart be ruining a brother relationship and moving to Hawaii.

Marta: You are right, you are such a straight up and noble person. I am just the asshole who has to consistently ask for her money back. I thought you didn't know it didn't get paid, now you know it has been sitting around for three weeks? And believe me you have taken a lot from dad, he has paid your bills. Gee what a great supportive family everyone else matters but me! My dreams? My money? only your petty guilt trips and anger hum, thanks for making it easy to leave!

Greg: Women who throw rocks in a glass house. All the things mom and dad did for you when you were struggling (I moved back in for 1 year after a bad relationship to pay off the debt I let him get me into) and then have an opinion on them helping others? Wow! Yes they helped me when we were struggling. parents tend to do that something you have no clue about. Don't judge me with your pathetic, small minded views on life. I owe a great deal to my parents and when I make more than my bills they will be paid. Just because my company is doing good does not mean more money for me. It takes a lo to run a company and the owners are not the ones making the money while it grows. If you ever get your own going you will find that out. I have a debt with my dad that will be paid back with interest. I need not explain myself to you or anyone. Your pissy ass views on life show how you treat people. I'm glad we made it easy but we are not the ones who care. Have you hugged your dad at all while he is crying from a broken heart about you leaving? I bet no since its all about you and your perfect judging everyone world. Keep living your perfect dream and just maybe the rest of the world can grow up and be as perfect as you two.

Barb: Wow. it's in the mail.

I admit my initial text was inflammatory. I have only excuses, I was tired of asking for my money, there is a lot of history with them taking, I'm sick and stressed. I think Greg's reaction is extremely over the top and exemplifies why I didn't want to do it in the first place. The thing is, it doesn't hurt anymore. I don't care anymore.