Surrender

Kauai's beauty greets me warmly again and I feel good because it's harvest day. As I drive to the north shore, stealing glances at the early morning sunlight playing off the ocean, I reflect on how well things are going. Money is coming in pretty good, Dan spoils me with his thoughtful love, my writing seems to be moving forward. I think maybe the personal chef thing isn't going to go anywhere after all. I'm ok with that. I have no attachments with how my work takes shape as long as I enjoy what I am doing and get paid well for it.

I'm a good 2 hours into harvest and I'm hot, dirty and sweaty. I love it; it's like orchestrating a live show; there are things you know for sure and things that you don't. I know we will harvest an average of 200 pounds of produce. I don't know exactly what that produce will be. This week we had 20 pounds of meyer lemons and 12 pounds of green beans that weren't planned for. The CSA boxes were loaded and our wholesale outlets had already placed their orders. So in between the activity I made a call to Dan to see if he wants some lemons or beans.

There is a message from Simone, our neighbor, and am immediately concerned. I listen to her excited voice tell me that she has a job lead for me. Phillip's sister Deborah works at a pretty fancy restaurant and some of her patrons were asking about a personal chef. Simone says Deborah came over this morning and tacked a note on my door with the information. At our house she reads me the note and lets the dogs out. We decide that although I don't need to call them right now I should sometime today.

I am relaxed for todays harvest because I am no longer making the deliveries. It was always the most stressful part of the day. Trying to get everything into the jeep, invoices printed out and on the way to Kapa'a by 1:30 for the 2 o'clock delivery. Jillian is a little stressed out so I offer to take her to lunch.

As we sit in the open air dining room of the Lighthouse Bistro, waiting for our shared order of a bacon cheeseburger and fries, we toast to another successful harvest. We immediately fall into an animated conversation about where we want the farm to go. How big? Do we only want to sell to restaurants and grocery stores? How can we get folks to understand what a CSA is? The summer season is almost over what can we do to generate new members? A doctor in town wants to prescribe our CSA to his clients with obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. This, I think we should focus on. Next week I will make flyers to put in his office. We fall into a well established natural rhythm of dreaming, planning and stretching ourselves.

By the time I get home I am buzzing with joy. I feel so good about harvest, not doing deliveries and my lunch with Jillian that I bombard Dan with the latest update. Jillian wants me to do more work for the farm, Gary (her husband) wants me to do work for his business creating a marketing campaign. He wants Dan to do the website and think about heading up a new division of his business. My excitement is contagious and by the end of our conversation he is excited about all the possibilities too.

I get out of the shower still humming and I sit on the side of my bed. I am about to call the folks who want a personal chef. I close my eyes and feel what is going on inside, it feels electric. I ask my spirit if this job will happen and I get a happy, easy yes. I let go of expectations and say ok, lets see how this unfolds. My needs are taken care of, I am busy, may as well throw it all out there. I'll ask for my full rate. It feels freeing to surrender to what life has in store for me. No expectations, no control, just ride the wave. It's fun too, it puts me right in the moment, the outcome a mystery.

Scott's ebullient voice soars across the air waves. He and his wife Julie are having a dinner party for 8. Can I do it tomorrow night? What do I specialize in? What do I charge? I immediately like him and Julie as they pass the phone between themselves to ask me questions, ecstatic because they are on vacation in Hawaii! I tell them I will send them an email for meal options and ask them to reply by 8am tomorrow morning.

I'll let the pictures tell the story of the evening. It went fantastically well. Yes, there is room for improvement. Despite the few bumpy spots they really enjoyed the evening as did Dan and I. I like this new way of living my life. Trying all kinds of things that I enjoy for work. The farm, the bakery, making flyers, writing and personal cheffing. I am following momentum in whatever area that occurs in. Happy to let other areas that are not working drop off. I work hard at each job because that is who I am. People recognize that and appreciate it. I am happy because I am getting paid to be me, time flies, at the end of the day I feel tired in a good way. I feel satisfied in surrendering.

The entrance to Scott and Julie's vacation rental.

A view of Nawiliwili Bay from their deck

The beach in front of the Kauai Marriott Resort.

The neighbors.

They all enjoyed appetizers on the deck while we prepared the next course.

Scott at the head of the table and his wife Julie in the white dress start dinner with a "Hawaiian prayer" preceding a real prayer.

Scott loves him some dance music, loud! He cranked the tunes, they all drank wine (except the kids) and we danced, cooked and washed dishes. At this point they were enjoying a desert of grilled fresh pineapple and vanilla ice cream drizzled with a carmel rum sauce and chocolate sauce on the side when he cranked Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody and broke out his video camera. Everyone sang, even the kids and us! After dinner everyone danced and Scott pulled me out for a couple of spins and photo ops.

Since we have downsized in all things including income we shave the dogs instead of taking them to the groomer. My role is to provide a safe place for the dogs to be still, their head resting on my lap as Dan shaves them.

It took us a total of 4 hours and 2 days but we did it, I think they look pretty good for first timers. We did have help from our old groomer in Colorado. She told us what type of sheers and blades to get and how to do it.

I had a meeting at Shelsea's on the way to the farm so she made me this fantastic lunch. Scrambled eggs with leftover fried rice, cheddar cheese, fresh garlic and greens.

A beautiful lettuce mix from harvest this week.

It has been raining all week but I decided to take the dogs out anyway. It was dumping as we made our way down the rutted, muddy dirt road. I thought about going home but remembered I had a rain coat in the car. As soon as I parked the jeep, the rain let up and the sun came out.

Baxter was not intimidated by the 3 foot shore breaks.

He just launched over the waves to get his toy.

Success!

Meanwhile, Lucy plays with these black nuts that wash up on shore. You can kinda see it there at the tip of her nose.

She digs like crazy just in front of the nut and it slowly goes further into the ever increasing hole. She loves it, spending the entire time consumed in this little game! 

Right as I got in the jeep it started to rain again!

The Process of Processing

For three days in a row it’s been cloudy and rainy. It warms up a bit late morning and early afternoon and then cools down again. Dan and I are grateful for the cooler temperatures but we (especially Dan) don’t care for him having to drive his moped in the rain. We are going to need a cheap island car soon.

I am happy to say that I am learning the art of processing my emotions. Sunday I was agitated, fear taunting around the edges. I ignored the fear; it was a small feeling, just a whisper. I thought I was agitated because I was getting worn out. We had a relaxing day, I read about writing and writers; Dan played his video game. 

Yesterday, the fear made itself known. By feeling and focusing during my morning yoga, I was able to see what was scaring me. Having the discussion with Dan gave me hope and writing the blog put it out in the open and pretty much purged it. I am always conflicted as to whether or not to post things like that. So negative, a downer. But, I want to keep it real and even in paradise things are scary. Maybe more so because it's so isolated. I'm glad I did! Crystal left a hopeful comment on my facebook page regarding my post with a link to an article. It's about a young couple who sold or donated all of their stuff, moved into a 400SF apartment with the goal of being debt free and living with 100 items. That means 1 fork is 1 item! They are happy with no debt and less stuff, a sign of our times the article says. That boosted me; reminding me of why we did what we did. To live simpler lives, with less stuff and no debt. There was a link to her blog called Rowdy Kittens. She's kind of doing what we are doing so, I am following her blog. On her blog I found another blog called 99% for creative professionals. Their tag line is "It's not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen". Very cool! Following that blog also! My senses heightened I click on another link and it takes me to The Art of Non Conformity, a website and blog for people who want unconventional jobs, jobs that have meaning. It also includes spirituality and travel and focuses on writers. Needless to say I am following that too. Last night when I went to bed I felt creative - something that had been eluding me for a week - and I had more energy.

This morning I noticed a new space opening up inside myself. I honestly feel that by processing my emotions, feeling them, accepting them and letting them go, it opens up space for me to fly higher. Normally, I would have just ignored it, stuffed it down deep into my back, making me clench my jaws a little more until so much fear and anger were stuffed that my neck, back, arms, shoulder and face hurt like crazy and demanded attention. Another small step for Marta kine!

Fear

It comes to me like a thief in the night, robbing me of my last hour of sleep; quickens my pulse and clenches it’s hands around my throat. 

I sink deeper into pigeon pose noticing the shallowness of my breath. I breathe deep into my lungs, down, pressing air into my belly; feeling what is there. I am taken back 18 years. It’s a warm sunny day in Colorado, I’m 26 and talking with my dad. My fiance and I have just split up. Dad suggests we take the money saved for the wedding and buy myself a home. It ends up being a fantastic little retreat type of home in Lakewood. The condo has 2 bedrooms - with a deck off each one, 2 full bathrooms, a vaulted ceiling, and backs to a park with huge trees and a nearby lake. It’s peaceful and it’s mine; I long to share it with my husband. 

Five years later I meet Dan. We get married and sell the condo in the same month. We buy a sweet house in the foothills of Golden with 3 acres. We have a view of the valley and the big blue Colorado sky. We see horses eating the tender summer grass, huge herds of elk graze in the fall, the fields covered in pure white snow, sparkling as the sun comes up and, mountain lion footprints in the frost of early spring. We love each other, we fight each other, we learn how to live in rhythm with each other. We get pregnant. We decide to build a home with my folks closer to work. They can watch the baby while we work; we can watch them as they age. We lose the baby. We move to Parker anyway. We spend 8 years in a house that backs to open space. A bike path right out the back gate Dan made for me erases my worries as the dogs and I tread thousands of steps. We invest in vacations and home improvements. Years of Easter, Fourth of July, Mother's day, Father's Day, birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas fly past as we spend cherished moments with family and friends. My brother and his wife have 5 kids. 

Tears run down my face as the rain starts to come down. I bring Baxter inside the yoga tent and we snuggle. As he comforts me; the tears come faster. I morn everything I gave up. My career of 25 years, our beautiful home, family, friends, security. I tell myself everyone is afraid of survival; everyone struggles with this. Friends in Colorado, California, Tennessee, Spain, here in Kauai; people all over the world. We all worry about our health, our happiness, our income, our families. It’s ok, Dan and I are doing it in paradise, that makes it better. I wasn’t prepared for the loss in income. So close to poverty level, except for our savings. 

I hear Dan upstairs stirring around in the kitchen. No dishwasher now, everything is hand washed; dishes pile up at every meal. As I walk in the door he greets me with a smile and says “that was short.” I say “yea.” He wants to know what’s wrong. After 14 years he can read me like his favorite book. He is not afraid to be present for my waves of overwhelming emotion. This strengthens me and I think about Marisol’s post on Facebook. About how life is less scary when you have someone to share it with. I can’t hide from him; he wants to know. My throat closes as I choke back the tears. My words are blocked by the sadness as I tell him “we aren’t stupid people, but we gave up so much.” I told him about the condo, the progression, all we used to have. Now, we have what is in our savings and enough to pay our living expenses. No extra money to pay for Lucy’s bad teeth, to have a nice dinner with friends, to get a bigger place. 

He asks me if I want to move back to the mainland. I say no, we’d be experiencing the same thing there. May as well feel it with stunning beauty surrounding us everyday. Trouble is, we’re working so hard we don’t get to enjoy it. We talk about our options. The easy way to make more money seems to do video, it’s what we know; what we’re good at. It feels flat. We talk about more options and redirect our focus. The fear has escaped me; set free from Dan’s support and love. Bolstered, I’m ready to start my day.

Are you insane?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

Albert Einstein 

I told this to my friend who was doing just that and suggested she try something different. We laughed as she tried once more to get the computer to do what she wanted. 

Have you ever done this? I know I have. You’re tired; it may be the end of your work day and the printer is jammed. You could be trying to get your car started in the morning, flooding it as you will it to start. That is on the simple end of the scale. The heavier side of the scale may be weighed down with shoulds. I should host the bake sale because they need me or, worse yet, I should do this job because it pays the bills. You keep going to the same job over and over, day in and day out, expecting to be happy because you are paying the bills. 

The vivid color of life is dull, you are uninspired and maybe even numb. Life seems full, you are living the American Dream. You make good money, have a nice home, pay your bills on time, are a respected member in your community, maybe you have a couple of “well adjusted” kids. You are a weekend warrior and take exotic vacations to extraordinary places. It takes a lot to get you excited and you find yourself wondering why you aren’t as excited as you know you can be. You look for connection on Facebook; an adrenaline rush in a video game, escape in a good book. Maybe you aren’t able to afford those things, in fact, you have no interest in being a weekend warrior but you still find life grey, dusty with long forgotten dreams and wishes that never came true. Hell on earth or, maybe limbo. You keep trying the same thing over and over, hoping to feel something like inspiration.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. 

Alan Cohen

The only real valuable thing is intuition. 

Albert Einstein

The Power of Creation

Are you being creative?

Creativity is not limited to artists, writers and musicians. Anyone embracing growth, expression and knowledge is creating. When you challenge yourself, you grow and create confidence. If you lose 10 pounds you’ve created confidence because you look better, feel better and actualized something. If you conquered your fear of heights you can create more experiences. You create order, form and structure when you balance your checkbook and live within your means. You create sustenance when you make a home made meal, even if it’s just for yourself - an expression of self love. Give life to plants or vegetables in a garden, nurture their growth as you nurture yours. 

You create connection when you live with integrity and vulnerability. You don’t have to be gullible, just lead with your heart more. How does it feel when you take your dog for a walk or teach him how to sit? It feels good! You are outside, hopefully with a view and a little sunshine. You are getting a little exercise and so is your four legged buddy and, you’re creating connection. How does it feel when you discipline your child in a way that makes them feel empowered or sparks their imagination? It feels great because you are living with integrity and creating connection. Don’t let the little stuff get in your way, don’t ask how! Just do what feels good, right. The how will figure itself out. And don’t ask why, just do it! 

At the moment I am making no where near the money I used to. But, I am creating; following my heart knowing that the money will come. I am surfing the waves of fear and exhilaration while creating a new life. A successful component to inspiration for creativity is living in the moment. To fully live in the moment you have to trust yourself. You trust yourself by creating small goals and accomplishing them and by listening to your heart. What is your heart telling you?

Rainy Days and Sundays

Ahhhh...Sunday morning; our only day of rest. Dan likes to sleep in but I am ready for the day! I make my way down to my new yoga room/studio/space - I haven't found a name for it yet. It's outside, a gazebo/tent type thing. It's where I do yoga, read, write and go to when it's too hot up in the treehouse - if I'm not feeling like going to the beach. The sun is rising, the birds are chirping, it's cool and humid. Just me, my yoga, the dogs, nature and all the time I need. Bliss! Baxter is outside the gazebo chasing the chickens away and Lucy is inside with me. She wishes she were outside but she wanders; Dan found her in the street the other day! As I lay in savasana rain starts to fall and Baxter joins me inside. On my back safe and dry with the rain cascading down, I think about the other day.

My girlfriend Lori celebrated 40 years of life last Friday. She invited her girlfriends to join her on a hike to Rainbow Falls and then for an evening of dancing. Saturday morning is farmers market day so there was no way I was going out! I can't handle staying up all night partying and working early the next day, I used to, but that was many years ago!

We all met at a bakery in town; piled ourselves, 3 teenagers and 4 dogs into cars and made the bumpy trek down the red, one lane dirt road until we got to a gate. The walk down to the falls is on private property and this hike isn't advertised. I felt grateful that I have a friend who knows of such beautiful, secret places and that she had invited me along. We broke into groups of 2 or 3 and walked along the sun dappled dirt road and got to know one another; the camaraderie of sisterhood was one of many special moments that day. About a mile in we emerge into a clearing; trees framed the tumultuous falls and I hurried to get in the water. 

Baxter, Lucy and I swam across the basin and through the falls. We made our way over slippery, moss covered rocks and boulders until we were behind the waterfall; in a stone hollow looking past the sheet of water falling from about 50 feet above. Personally, I don't like to stand right under the falls, there is a lot of force and something as simple as a fish coming down and landing on your head could give you a concussion. The teenagers did it, and they lived through it just fine! The energy of the water created vibrations in that little shelter so intense that I could feel it coming up my body. Baxter and Lucy, having throughly sniffed the area out, were ready to head back. Unsure of their footing on the slippery rocks, I had to place them in the water before I got in. Baxter was swimming in circles around me and then disappeared. I didn't notice because about half way across Lucy decided she wanted to hitch a ride. She scrambled onto my back, her weight pushing me further into the water, and we swam for shore. We almost made it when I heard Baxter crying out. I turned around to see that he had made it back onto the rocks and he was not sure how to get off them. Luckily, Lori was there and being a dog person herself she helped Baxter into the water where he swam faster than I'd ever seen him to reach us. 

We rested, ate, dried off in the sun and acquainted ourselves a little more; reveling in the power and beauty of nature and friendship.

Rainbow Falls; the center is where we made our way in. Rena is in the foreground on the far right. Small world; we learned that we both work for the bakery!

Thunderous!

The beautiful day began with rain.

On the way back we stopped to get the girls, having tired of the falls

they came here and spent their time jumping off a rope into the river.

We all waited for the girls to join us.

Refreshed and invigorated, we made our way back.

Dan takes a water break while setting up the gazebo.

Taa daa!

Lucy chillin out while Baxter sees a light reflection. Eventually we are going to put pallets down and cover them with plywood and linoleum to make a nice floor.

My yoga stuff =)

Once we find a cabinet for upstairs we'll replace these chairs with 

these. And put the cabinet here.

Lucy hangs out with me

while I do yoga and watch the moon set

and the sun rise.

Our little compound; shed, garage, yoga tent!

This week we harvested carrots,

Greek oregano, Mexican oregano, squash blossoms, mint

and corn!

We had some white pineapple and mango from the farmers market

so I made a huge salad with fruits and vegetables.

My new favorite is Golden Frill Mustard greens, they taste like horseradish. I toss them in a vinaigrette, add some bacon and top with poached eggs, yuuuum!!

Amy and I set up at the Kauai Community College (KCC) farmers market in Lihue.

Aloha family and friends! We miss you!! Really, we do!

My Endless Love

How do you like my new blog layout? I think it’s pretty cool, it has a nice Hawaiian theme now.

This post is my way of running to the top of the highest mountain and shouting; telling the world about the love I have for my husband. At the moment I am overwhelmed with my love for him. It is welling up inside me, infusing me, seeping out as moist droplets from my eyes. I get emotional thinking about it. 

When we decided to move, one of the scariest ideas was knowing that this decision had the potential to make or break us. I am happy to say it has made us, cemented what was already a wonderful relationship into a unshakeable foundation. I feel we can weather any storm. We are getting to know each other better in this small space we lovingly call the treehouse. In tune with each others moods, we notice that the snappy attitude is because we are tired from too much work. Instead of an argument, our hearts expand and allow for snappy. I wake in the middle of the night, scared. He holds me, soothes me, “talks me down” as he likes to say. He doesn’t get enough sleep for his busy work day but he is ok with that, wanting to make sure I am ok. I learn how to talk myself down so he can get much needed sleep. We are growing; as individuals and as a couple. 

Dan, having become an indispensable manager, is working close to 40 hours a week at Papayas. His natural inclination to make things the best they can be has made the patrons of Papayas grateful for the generous selection and affordable prices. His managers are pleased that he is selling things for less while increasing profits and minimizing waste. In his free time he is working hard to create a computer business that includes teaching, repairs and web design. In between those times he loves me. His love was especially poignant this weekend. 

He is tired and I know it, he hasn’t had a day off in about 3 weeks. He’s crunchy and I feel responsible. Somehow, I decided we needed more. We are fine, all of our needs are being met. We have a cozy shelter to rest in and plenty of food. I work at a farm and a bakery and he works at a grocery store - we get free food all the time. Plus, he gets a 20% discount (he knows I miss cherries and peaches from the mainland and has to order them under explicit instruction from his boss, so he brings some home - I’m loving the red, sweet, and juicy, bings he brought home Friday.) We have enough money to pay our bills, we have our health, we have each other. But, I told him I needed more space and therefore more money. Soon, his hours increased at Papayas and the computer business was filling in the extra space. I negotiated with the bakery and will be working 45 to 55 hours a week; including the farm and writing jobs. I am lucky because I do a lot of my work from home allowing for yoga and walking the dogs on the beach. He doesn’t get any play time. 

He says he wants to do the farmers market with me this weekend. It’s hard work and I always love having him around but I tell him he needs to stay home and rest. He says he’ll think about it. By Friday night, he’s decided - he’s coming. He is doing it for free on top of it. We wake at 4:30 am, having to be at the kitchen by 5:30. Shelsea has been up all night baking. We walk into the brightly lit kitchen smelling of fresh baked goods (our tummies growl in resentment of not being fed) and into chaotic energy. Rush, rush, rush! Last minute scones are being made, scooped and popped into the oven. Pomberry; pomegranate, blueberry, raspberry, cherry and almonds with a maple glaze and rose petal sugar sprinkled on top. Chocoberry; buleberries and chocolate chips with a maple glaze and cinnamon sugar sprinkled on top, gluten-free blueberry and blueberry round out the scones. In the frenzy I learn how to properly scoop, shape and bake the 180 scones following short instruction by our exhausted but determined leader. Dan is making sure the displays are assembled, Randi packs the baked goods that are going to the Hanalei market and Amy helps me scoop, shape and bake. 

It’s 2 pm when we leave the bakery and head home hungry and tired. Earlier in the week we had decided that we’d live in the treehouse for at least another 6 months; save money, get the work stuff established. With that in mind, Dan suggests we stop at Home Depot to get a gazebo I’ve had my eye on since February. I want it for my yoga room and to have a place where I can read, write and be outside. For our more adventurous friends wanting to save some money, it would provide a place to sleep. I tell him he needs to go home and rest; he’s really cranky now. He figures we are here, we have the jeep, may as well. 

On the way home Dan tells me Shelsea wants him and I to take over the KCC (Kauai Community College) market, that she wants him to think about it. He will get paid but it will only give him one day off. I am listening to my sweet, smart husband and gazing at the beauty around us; the clear blue ocean in the distance, towering mountains and brightly colored flowers when Dean calls. Dan is scheduled to go to his home in Kilauea tomorrow and give him a computer lesson covering organization, the internet (Dean just got it) and to install a virus scanner. Dan happily says that rescheduling would be just fine with him. Now that he has Sunday off, he wants to set up the gazebo when we get home, at least a 2 hour job. 

I tell him I appreciate all of his hard work but I am worried about him, he says “well you gotta do what you gotta do to get where you want to be, is it what it is.” I thank him for his hustle and hard work and for helping me at the market. I say that I feel like part of why he is doing the market is because he wants to check the situation out, to make sure I’m ok. A sly smile slowly spreads across his face, and he says “well yea, that’s part of it.”

Dan loves the geckos that run around our house chirping as the sun sets, he gets the camera out every time. This little guy didn't live long, Dan found him dead in the morning. I'm amazed by his eyes.

Eggplants were tucked into CSA boxes

and tomatoes. Believe it or not you can't grow tomatoes outside here. The fruit flies "sting" them. What may look like a beautiful tomato on the outside is rotten on the inside. Farmer John, part of our co-op, grew the eggplant and these yummy tomatoes.

A pimento like pepper from the farm; sweet with a mild spice.

I brought home about 4 pounds of extra basil from the farm and made enough pesto to fill a gallon sized zip lock bag!

This tree at the farm has beautiful flowers cascading down it's branches.

Jillian planted some Peruvian purple corn seeds a friend gave her. One ear sprouted; this is the root from one kernel or seed.

Dan displays the flyer and poster I made for the farm at Papayas.

A potential avo (they call avocados avo here) supplier gives Dan samples of 4 different types of avo.

Julie bought me a subscription to Food and Wine magazine as a house warming present. This months issue had a recipe for baked donuts, they were pretty good! The dogs really liked them too (they went stale pretty quick).

We share the commercial kitchen with Doug who owns Pueo Breads. This is his multi grain dough.

 

Doug punching the dough down to make loaves.

Shelsea shows me how to make her gluten-free chocolate chip cookies.

Uncle AK and Aunt Shirley (back row second and fourth from the left) visit mom and dad and Greg's family. He texted me this picture. It really makes me miss them, the kids are getting so big and it's only been 6 months! Lots of love, hugs and kisses to you all!!

Baxter cleaning out the honey jar.

The dogs and I catch the sunrise.