Everyday I Write The Book

Things are getting so much better every day.  Life is becoming rich, and has a slower pace. We did our final day of editing at Starz on Thursday. Friday morning, the spontaneous changes started to manifest. I woke up and did yoga, ate healthfully all day, smoked less and relaxed. We celebrated New Years with Brian and Tiffany, so some overindulgence there. We ate a fantastic Italian dinner, had some great read wine and went back to their place. I drank a whole bottle of champagne and totally regretted it on Saturday. We played Win, Lose or Draw and they made a fantastic desert. It was an easy, fun night and I'm glad we got to ring in the new year with them. Yesterday, I met Gail for lunch at Hapa Sushi and then we saw Nine. We had a good time and reflected on the fact that, now,  she is on the day shift and we are leaving, and she is on the day shift because we are leaving. We never were able to get together because of our schedules.

It has only been 3 days and I am responding to the yoga in immeasurable ways. My body is letting go of the aches and pains, it feels stronger, going up stairs and bending down to get pots is a lot easier. My joints feel juicier, more fluid and loose. My balance is better, I can get undressed, standing on one foot sometimes, without stumbling. I feel more solid, strong. Mentally, I am happier, calmer and more open. I feel more connected to Kauai and our decision everyday. I still wake up thinking about what has to be done and work, but, after Thursday, work will be a memory. I get up, go do some yoga and meditation and my mind clears out, gets lighter and more positive. There are great things ahead, I'm excited that we are on our right path!

The Beginning

I woke up early today, about 5am, bursting with energy. I'm so excited that our new lives are finally on their way! I let the trepidation (ok you asked for it, now its here) wash over me and laid in bed thinking about working for someone who owns a boat and takes tourists out. There I was on deck, sun shining, clear, blue, blue water, wind whipping through my hair, hanging out with the happy tourists of the day, knowing they wished they were me. I decided I needed to balance my energy out so I got up and went downstairs to do yoga. It felt so good, my body instinctively knowing the poses, my eyes closed, it felt good to stretch and build up a sweat, my heart pumping, my muscles flexing, my mind relaxing. When I finished, I did my normal prayer "May I be free from fear and harm, may I be happy as I am, may I be at peace with whatever comes". Extending that out to someone I love I repeated it to Dan. "Dan, may you be free from fear and harm, may you be happy as you are, may you be at peace with whatever comes." And finally, extending the love out to someone I have a difficult time with, today it was my mom. "Mom may you be free from fear and harm (fighting the inner critic that says yeah right), MOM may you be happy as you are (let it go), mom, may you be at peace with whatever comes". I have all this great energy flowing through me so I ask for all the things I want Kauai to bring us. Health, joy, beauty, financial security doing something we love, doing something outside every day, bringing us closer, making us stronger, the dogs happy and safe from fleas, ticks and all manner of inconvenience, friends, connection, love for our new home, whales, sea turtles, dolphins, monk seals, birds, trees, flowers, waterfalls. I'm just so happy that we are on our way!

Today our plan is to chill. Read, take naps. We're going to celebrate New Years with Brian and Tiffany, head over to their house around 5. I think I'll have shakes fro breakfast and lunch in preparation for the big dinner and lots of drinking!!

I wish everyone a happy and safe New Year's eve and a fantastic New Year!! 2010 here we come!!

Last Day

Today was our last day at work. Not much to say about it. I felt fantastic all day, a long awaited day had finally come. Dan felt weird, had butterflies in his tummy as we walked out. It's been a long time, now for the next chapter!

Starz Ohana

What a fantastic day today turned out to be. Vince, the director of our department, had a going away party for us. Being that it is New Years week not a lot of people are at work but, about 30 people were there, cookies and coffee laid out and Suzanne started the party with a speech she made:

To the priests, experts in a field - kahunas
and beloved friends - hoalohas

Congratulations - Ho'omaika'i 'Ana
Congratulations on your new house - Ho'omaika'i 'Ana Ma Kou Hale Hou

A gift for you - He makana an

Farewell to you - Aloha 'ow

Good Luck - Pomaika'i

Thank you - Mahalo

15 - 'Umi kumalima

years - konohi

Happy New Year - Hau'oli Makahiki Hou

With love -  Me Ke Aloha

Your family at Starz - ko ohana Starz

She read it really funny, which was great because I got to laugh really hard and release a lot of the anxiety I was feeling, being the center of attention and all. The gift was a $330.00 gift certificate to Outfitters Kauai, for our choice of adventure. So for $356.00, we are going to do the full day adventure Kipu Zipline Safari consisting of kayaking 2 miles on the Hule 'ia River, hiking private foot paths in a lush rainforest valley and through hand carved 100 year old tunnels, a ride on a one of a kind farm wagon with spectacular views of Kipu Ranch made famous in films like Jurassic Park, enjoy a picnic lunch, an 800' zip line though a forest canopy, go on a tandem 1800' zipline, cool off at the beautiful, secluded wet and wild Blue Pool, try the t- bar water zipline and splash into the water, and finally hike back thought the rainforest, kick back and relax as a Hawaiian style canoe motors us back. Wow, what a gift! Our hearts are filled with joy from the love, support and encouragement our friends - ohana - are leaving us with. Suzanne and Elizabeth put a lot of time and effort to pull it off. Elizabeth is out of town so I went to thank Suzanne, her kindness overflowing as we talked of our plans. Later, I went into thank Vince. He may have a job lead for us, he knows some guys who work with National Geographic, they're out of Boulder but do a lot of work in Hawaii. As he was walking away he says "you guys are gonna be fine, you're gonna be better than fine". I think he's right!

Thank you for the gift:
Suzanne Heintz
Elizabeth Daly
Vince Hostack
Lisa Charchenko
Chris Paul
Jessica Creasey
Scott Waknin
Ted Intorcio
Brian Sternkopf
Vern Hunt
Debbie Taylor
Sean Richardson
Jen Houlihan
Dale Peak
Rich Tramazzo
Shannon Hall
Cynthia Wickencamp
Linda Holloway
Wes Bane
John Freeman
Mark Sweeney
Eric Benner
Jonathan Hall
Kris Brothers
Che Che Mata
Kandy Berry
Mark Dissette
Tiffany Habberkorn
Brian Kintz
Shane Aranda
Lisa Jascott
Tamara Smith Roldan
Stacy Libbrecht
Dave Cary
Penny Theobold
and 3 signatures I couldn't read

Going...

The house is almost empty. Today Susan came with the kids and got the china cabinet. We also gave them some coats, make up, and exercise stuff. Deb and Travis were here too. They ended up taking a lot of stuff with them which is funny cuz I don't know where they are going to put it all! Trav helped Dan take a lot of stuff to Goodwill while Deb helped me pack the china. Great friend to have when packing, she LOVES to pack! She was singing and dancing and traipsing all over the house to find little things to put into the nooks and crannies of the boxes, can't have any waisted space. At one point she got scolded by Dan, he saw her slip something in the box and Dan goes "What is that"? Trav: "Reisling" Dan: "We don't need to be taking that" Deb: "I thought it would be nice when you unpacked" Dan: "No, take it home".  We are plum tuckered out! Now that the chores are done and everyone went home, it's pizza and wine for us tonight!

Merry Christmas!

I gotta say, going into this day I was shut down, not knowing what to expect I wasn't prepared to feel anything, plus we are still a little sick. We headed out to my brothers house at 11am. The jeep was silent as we drove in the 19 degree weather down streets lined with brown snow. The sky was whitish grey and the Christmas decorations on Main Street, stood sentinel, alone. The day seemed a perfect metaphor for how I felt. On a childish impulse, I put on Green Day's American Idiot/Jesus of Surburbia, the music turned down, we kinda jammed to ourselves. At one point I leaned over and cranked it, the band was singing "I don't care if you don't, I don't care if you don't, I don't care if you don't care... oo oo oo I don't care!" when they got to this lyric, we were really getting into it:
Everyone is so full of shit
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled but never saved
From the cradle to the grave
We are the kids of war and peace
From Anaheim to the middle east
We are the stories and disciples
Of the Jesus of suburbia
Land of make believe
That don't believe in me
Land of make believe
And I don't believe
And I don't care!
I don't care!"

We were really getting into it, and at one point we just looked at each other and started cracking up! 


Everyone was already there as we pulled in front of Greg's house and my stomach began to lurch. At the door, the kids greeted us with squeals of delight. Walking in, we said hello and Merry Christmas to everyone, we didn't say anything to Barb bad Greg, they didn't say anything to us. Having greeted (almost) everyone, I went into the kitchen to put out the food we brought; salted peanut bars (my personal new favorite, a hopelessly addicting confection that Beth brought to our going away party), spicy sausage dip (another keeper from the going away party that Nichole brought) and "deviled eggs". They are technically stuffed eggs since there is no spice in them to make them deviled. Barb breaks the ice. She put a salted peanut bar in her mouth as she asks me what it is, loves it and we talk about how I made them, she wants the recipe. She moves over to the spicy sausage dip and slathers some onto a piece of toast I brought to accompany the dip, I warn her that it's hot, she takes a little off, and loves it. She wants the recipe for that too. The ice is mostly melted now. I get some sangria to help loosen me up and sit down with Dan who is playing pick up sticks with the kids. We fall into a comfortable rhythm, everyone is cheerful, in the holiday mood. Setting up for the family portrait was hilarious, trying to get everyone in the right place and the kids to smile all at once. 

At one point, over dinner, Greg includes me in his conversation and at that moment I know everything is ok and mom and dad will get their birthday party. We left Greg's house at 5 and headed out into the dark, cold, snowy night with our bellies full and our spirits lightened. On the 45 minute ride home, Dan's sister Susan texted me and wanted to know if we wanted to stop by for some pie and coffee. We headed home to feed the dogs and let them out and then went over to Sue's house. Welcoming as always, the family was really happy to see us, as we were them. We caught up, I played with Savannah's Wii yoga, Dan helped Jonathon with his computer problem, the boys played some kind of DJ video game, Dan schooled Sue in Farmville while I went upstairs to Savannah's room to listen to her play piano. We played Pit, our traditional game. It's a stock market game and get's really loud and is a lot of fun. Finally, at midnight we headed home, even more uplifted, such a great family! 





Recipe for Salted Peanut Bars

Ingredients:
1 box yellow cake mix
1 egg
1/3 cup softened butter
1 1/2 cups mini marshmallows
1 pkg. (10oz) peanut butter chips
2 Tbsp. peanut butter
2/3 cup white corn syrup
1/4 cup softened butter
2 tsp. vanilla
2 cups Rice Krispies
10oz pkg. salted peanuts

Directions:
Mix yellow cake mix, 1 egg and 1/3 cup softened butter until crumbly and then press into a 9x13 pan (no need to grease this) and bake at 350 degrees for 12 minutes. Next, cover with the 1 1/2 cups marshmallows and put back in the oven until the marshmallows puff up.

Meanwhile, melt the peanut butter chips and then combine with 2 Tbsp. peanut butter, corn syrup, 1/4 cup softened butter and the vanilla. Then add the Rice Krispies and salted peanuts to that mix. Once everything is combined, dump this mixture over the marshmallows to cover.

this needs to sit for a while to set up. you can put it in the fridge for a couple hours if you are in a hurry. Enjoy!


Recipe for Spicy Sausage Dip


1 lb. of your favorite sausage ( we used Spicy Italian)
1 can Rotel tomatoes with habeneros 
1 block of cream cheese, room temperature


Remove sausage from casing and brown in skillet, add tomatoes and cream cheese, mix. Serve with toasts.

Resoulition?

The more I know, the more I know I don't know that much. I think I understand. I thought I understood. Time is so fluid, bending to each moment, showing me a new angle, something I hadn't noticed before. It reminds me of my favorite Grateful Dead song lyric "Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right". My friends Brian and Deb have shown me that no matter how (dis)functional your family is, they are your family. That doesn't mean you buy into abusive, insensitive or mean behaviours. But maybe you can tolerate it a little easier if you put yourself in their shoes, something I can extend to friends and colleagues easier than I could family. In the process of leaving, I have noticed that people either share in our joy or repel from it. I, being me, took it personal and found fault with it. Deb has helped me understand that it's just hard to say goodbye, and some folks would rather not do it. Maybe they decide to circumnavigate the goodbye by avoiding the person, maybe they create distance through strife to make it easier. I have learned not to take it personally. Some people understand it is life, people have to go their own way, down their own lumpy path, to find their home. Back in the day there were heartfelt letters and occasional visits to keep in touch. Today, with technology, it's easier to stay connected. Facebook, email, Skype, cell phones, we can stay connected. It isn't as intimate as being there but it is better than nothing. Dan and I got hit by the dreaded and much feared H1N1, and are living to tell about it! We have spent the last 5 days recovering. We are doing pretty good today, I'm still pretty woozy. I think tomorrow I can go into my brothers house with peace in my heart, goodwill towards my family, hope for an apology and expect nothing. I got the talkin part done, wish me luck! I do think we'll all be closer for it. Already, I feel closer to my folks. I see now, they have been walking a tightrope. One side is staying connected with Dan and I. The other, the opposite. They are going to miss us, the things we do for them, the easy companionship we provide. They fear for our safety, maybe even our marriage. They do the best they can, sometimes falling on the side of disconnection sometimes, bringing us closer. I too walk a tightrope, one side old grievances easily triggered by something as small as a tone in their voice, the other side is connection.  I can not control how our friends and family decide to react to our departure. I can understand, that for some, it is a hard thing to support. Life is for the living. Dan and I need to do this for ourselves, for our marriage. I can already see Dan easing into this new life. Being sick has forced him to relax. Yesterday, we decided to go into work. The closer we got, the grumpier he got. We didn't last long, wore out by the effort once we got there. The further away we got the happier he got. We decided that since we were out, we may as well pick up some staples, mail the certified check for rent and deposit, and change the title on the jeep over to our names. Usually, when he is sick and having to run errands he is not his best self. Yesterday though, I saw the Dan I fell in love with. I like to call him Danny. Patient, kind, playful, thoughtful. We used to go to the mountains a lot. Once he got up there, a big smile would spread across his face and his eyes would be the color of the Colorado sky. He would be so happy, content, easy, adventurous, bold. Dan and his friend Damon, in these moments would say "aaahhh, look at them blue jays". So, I call them his blue jay eyes. Recapturing those blue jay eyes is part of what this move is about. Why stay in a place when you are not challenged or inspired or have a place to grow towards? I understand if you have a family to support, perfectly reasonable thing to do. We have no kids, we have each other. This is what we have to do.

On a lighter note, we got our HD camera today. He is very excited about it. We'll shoot the family tomorrow and maybe I'll learn how to post video!!