Surrender

Kauai's beauty greets me warmly again and I feel good because it's harvest day. As I drive to the north shore, stealing glances at the early morning sunlight playing off the ocean, I reflect on how well things are going. Money is coming in pretty good, Dan spoils me with his thoughtful love, my writing seems to be moving forward. I think maybe the personal chef thing isn't going to go anywhere after all. I'm ok with that. I have no attachments with how my work takes shape as long as I enjoy what I am doing and get paid well for it.

I'm a good 2 hours into harvest and I'm hot, dirty and sweaty. I love it; it's like orchestrating a live show; there are things you know for sure and things that you don't. I know we will harvest an average of 200 pounds of produce. I don't know exactly what that produce will be. This week we had 20 pounds of meyer lemons and 12 pounds of green beans that weren't planned for. The CSA boxes were loaded and our wholesale outlets had already placed their orders. So in between the activity I made a call to Dan to see if he wants some lemons or beans.

There is a message from Simone, our neighbor, and am immediately concerned. I listen to her excited voice tell me that she has a job lead for me. Phillip's sister Deborah works at a pretty fancy restaurant and some of her patrons were asking about a personal chef. Simone says Deborah came over this morning and tacked a note on my door with the information. At our house she reads me the note and lets the dogs out. We decide that although I don't need to call them right now I should sometime today.

I am relaxed for todays harvest because I am no longer making the deliveries. It was always the most stressful part of the day. Trying to get everything into the jeep, invoices printed out and on the way to Kapa'a by 1:30 for the 2 o'clock delivery. Jillian is a little stressed out so I offer to take her to lunch.

As we sit in the open air dining room of the Lighthouse Bistro, waiting for our shared order of a bacon cheeseburger and fries, we toast to another successful harvest. We immediately fall into an animated conversation about where we want the farm to go. How big? Do we only want to sell to restaurants and grocery stores? How can we get folks to understand what a CSA is? The summer season is almost over what can we do to generate new members? A doctor in town wants to prescribe our CSA to his clients with obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. This, I think we should focus on. Next week I will make flyers to put in his office. We fall into a well established natural rhythm of dreaming, planning and stretching ourselves.

By the time I get home I am buzzing with joy. I feel so good about harvest, not doing deliveries and my lunch with Jillian that I bombard Dan with the latest update. Jillian wants me to do more work for the farm, Gary (her husband) wants me to do work for his business creating a marketing campaign. He wants Dan to do the website and think about heading up a new division of his business. My excitement is contagious and by the end of our conversation he is excited about all the possibilities too.

I get out of the shower still humming and I sit on the side of my bed. I am about to call the folks who want a personal chef. I close my eyes and feel what is going on inside, it feels electric. I ask my spirit if this job will happen and I get a happy, easy yes. I let go of expectations and say ok, lets see how this unfolds. My needs are taken care of, I am busy, may as well throw it all out there. I'll ask for my full rate. It feels freeing to surrender to what life has in store for me. No expectations, no control, just ride the wave. It's fun too, it puts me right in the moment, the outcome a mystery.

Scott's ebullient voice soars across the air waves. He and his wife Julie are having a dinner party for 8. Can I do it tomorrow night? What do I specialize in? What do I charge? I immediately like him and Julie as they pass the phone between themselves to ask me questions, ecstatic because they are on vacation in Hawaii! I tell them I will send them an email for meal options and ask them to reply by 8am tomorrow morning.

I'll let the pictures tell the story of the evening. It went fantastically well. Yes, there is room for improvement. Despite the few bumpy spots they really enjoyed the evening as did Dan and I. I like this new way of living my life. Trying all kinds of things that I enjoy for work. The farm, the bakery, making flyers, writing and personal cheffing. I am following momentum in whatever area that occurs in. Happy to let other areas that are not working drop off. I work hard at each job because that is who I am. People recognize that and appreciate it. I am happy because I am getting paid to be me, time flies, at the end of the day I feel tired in a good way. I feel satisfied in surrendering.

The entrance to Scott and Julie's vacation rental.

A view of Nawiliwili Bay from their deck

The beach in front of the Kauai Marriott Resort.

The neighbors.

They all enjoyed appetizers on the deck while we prepared the next course.

Scott at the head of the table and his wife Julie in the white dress start dinner with a "Hawaiian prayer" preceding a real prayer.

Scott loves him some dance music, loud! He cranked the tunes, they all drank wine (except the kids) and we danced, cooked and washed dishes. At this point they were enjoying a desert of grilled fresh pineapple and vanilla ice cream drizzled with a carmel rum sauce and chocolate sauce on the side when he cranked Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody and broke out his video camera. Everyone sang, even the kids and us! After dinner everyone danced and Scott pulled me out for a couple of spins and photo ops.

Since we have downsized in all things including income we shave the dogs instead of taking them to the groomer. My role is to provide a safe place for the dogs to be still, their head resting on my lap as Dan shaves them.

It took us a total of 4 hours and 2 days but we did it, I think they look pretty good for first timers. We did have help from our old groomer in Colorado. She told us what type of sheers and blades to get and how to do it.

I had a meeting at Shelsea's on the way to the farm so she made me this fantastic lunch. Scrambled eggs with leftover fried rice, cheddar cheese, fresh garlic and greens.

A beautiful lettuce mix from harvest this week.

It has been raining all week but I decided to take the dogs out anyway. It was dumping as we made our way down the rutted, muddy dirt road. I thought about going home but remembered I had a rain coat in the car. As soon as I parked the jeep, the rain let up and the sun came out.

Baxter was not intimidated by the 3 foot shore breaks.

He just launched over the waves to get his toy.

Success!

Meanwhile, Lucy plays with these black nuts that wash up on shore. You can kinda see it there at the tip of her nose.

She digs like crazy just in front of the nut and it slowly goes further into the ever increasing hole. She loves it, spending the entire time consumed in this little game! 

Right as I got in the jeep it started to rain again!

Mom and Dad

Thank you.

Thank you for letting us stay with you our last few days here.

Thank you for all the wonderful meals made with love.

Thank you for your graceful acceptance of our choice.

Thank you for your support, despite how you feel about it.

Thank you for your curiosity about our new lives.

Thank you for the easy conversations.

Thank you for doing what you can to help us be on our way.

Thank you for taking such good care of us and the dogs.

Thank you for your warm and thoughtful love.

We appreciate you.

Goodbye Beloved Trail

Leaving Colorado is in our sights and I am reminded of the things that I will probably never do again. This morning I walked the dogs. I have walked this 4 mile loop of the Cherry Creek bike path hundreds of times in the last 8 years. The dogs know it well. This is the last walk I will be able to enjoy the colors of fall. There is yet time for sunrises and big sky.

My IPhone can't quite capture the way the golden light plays off the trees or Baxter's brown velvet coat. I am reminded of a time I walked the dogs in the fall. It was a classic beautiful Colorado fall day. Baby blue sky, a coolness to the air; crisp yet warmed but the sun. Passing by a clump of golden cottonwoods a breeze came and blew the leaves off the trees. Their golden faces reflecting the sunlight and making everything sparkle. I was struck by the beauty and had to stop and watch. I found myself raising my arms to the sky, tilting my face up as well; feeling the warmth of the sun and twirling with my eyes closed! It was fantastic!

I go out the gate that Dan put into the back split rail fence.

Walk down the well worn path that Dan keeps mowed for me.

Pass the iron bridge that goes over Cherry Creek.

I have met many people on this path.

The nice lady whose walking stick has indian totems running its length. The older lady who stopped me on the trail, sung me a poem about Jesus she wrote and gave me the paper she had written it on. The overweight grumpy couple who rode their bikes and got tweaked because the dogs were off leash. The older guy who reminds me of Steve Small walking his 2 dogs that bully mine. Tom and his golden Chloe, we always stop and chat for 10 or 15 minutes while Baxter runs around barking at me to move on. The old guy, who had diabetes and rode on his roller blades every day to keep it at bay. This is ranch country and we walk on a working ranch. One spring day while Dan was walking the dogs, a mother cow walked up behind him and shoved him in the back with her nose, protecting her calf I guess. The "doinking" deer, who, alone at sunrise would bounce around radiating joy because he was alive. The rattlesnakes. One morning, we were walking the dogs and the sun was coming up, lighting up everything. We looked across and there were hundreds of spider webs forming a lacy patchwork throughout the cattails. This morning as I was rounding my favorite bend, lined with trees and wild flowers I saw 2 deer loping out of the brush and a coyote lumbering after them. All the dogs, animals and people enrich our walks.

Baxter and Lucy love getting into the creek. They drink greedily on hot days (their shots are current) Lucy slowly walking and drinking letting the current guide her. Baxter running as fast as he can up and down the creek bed, splashing and generally having a great time. One time, the creek was really full from a lot of rain. Lucy was hot and thirsty and went down in a place that was unusual for her. She got caught up in the current and started to float down stream. I thought I was going to have to go in but I walked along beside her until she came upon a bank and got out. We get home, I rinse them off and give them a towel dry which for some reason, they both love!

Lucy loves the towel dry, she hates getting her picture taken!

So many times I have walked this trail. In joy, sorrow, love, anger, through tears, running it to burn some calories, listening to the birdsong, the rustle of the leaves, the hum of insects. Rain and hail pouring down (Dan came and rescued me with an umbrella), impossible wind, sun relentlessly pounding down. Snowshoeing when we got dumped on, Lucy walking in my tracks, Baxter sinking to his chest trying to make his own. I have felt deep gratitude for this trail and will always be grateful for its presence and the gifts it has brought me.

A Note to My Husband

Hey baby,
I'm worried about you. We both know the house can't sell soon enough. We each have our seperate reasons.

I see you on the weekends so light and happy. Plugged in, conversational, upbeat. I really appreciate all the things you do around the house. Laying tile, painting, yard work, picking up dog poop, keeping the cars clean and maintained, posting things on the Internet for us to sell, doing bills, taking out the trash, fixing things, doing laundry, fixing my computer, installing new programs, helping me figure something out (you have the patience for that) helping make dinner, washing dishes (wash/dry/put), taking the dogs to get groomed or to the vet, and countless other things. I don't have to ask, you never complain. All of these things I see as tokens of love. On the weekends you are a happy man. It takes you a good couple of hours to relax into it, but once you are there, you are patient, kind, gentle, and loving to me and the dogs. You are funny and fun to be around. You have a smile on your face when you talk. Singing silly songs while we walk, you jut your elbow out wanting me to hook my wagon to yours.

Then Tuesday morning rolls around. You are irratable, short with me and the dogs. Quick to find fault. Impatient, grumpy. As the day wears on you complain about everything. The smallest thing will annoy you and you will vent about it until the next irratation comes along. It only gets worse as the week wears on. I take no offence. I know where this is coming from. I know it's not personal. Still, it's no fun to be around. I know you feel underappreciated, and you are. You are brilliant at whatever you do but editing brings your A game out. You know that box as well as you know me. You are creative and capable of understanding technical specs better than I or most editors ever could. It's in your DNA. That's why you are in more demand than any other editor there. That and because the status quo just won't do for you, you have to put your "signature" on everything you edit. Even if that means trying something new, learning, pushing yourself. You love to figure things out. Challenge yourself. Everyone knows this, even management. They take advantage of it instead of encouraging it. You are a natural leader, they won't let you lead. They want to have the knowledge that you spend hours researching but don't want to reward you for it. You are under pressure working on originals and marketing. Both demand a lot of approvals from various levels of management and as a result loads of revisions. You remember which graphic is current and where to find it, do you use a copyright or registration mark? The producer doesn't know but you do. You've asked for a break, you can do one or the other but not both, it's too much. They hear you but only offer more of the same. You have no power but everyone, including management, seeks out your expertise. The producers have come to rely on you. Dropping their work off, they know you'll get it done and get it done right with that Dan Lane signature they all clamour for. I know it's wearing you out, I see it crush your spirit every day that you are there.

It's time for us to go, try something new. Get to know eachother even better, fall in love a little more. I hope it happens sooner than later, for your sake, for my sake, for our sake.

I love you sweetheart...




-- Posted from my iPhone

Fergilicious!

This morning I woke up with Fergie's "Glamorous" song in my head and by the time we left for work I couldn't shake it. So, I batted my eyes and asked in my sweetest voice if I could play it on the way in. Grudgingly he said yes. He's really not into that kind of music. So I played it, and I loved it. Bouncing around, singing, just having a good ol time! The song was over and I grabbed my iPod to put on something he would enjoy. He said "you can leave it on", a big grin spread across my face, I didn't wait for him to change his mind! Now, if you ask me, that's love! He's willing to listen to MY music! Sigh...

I've learned that they are opening a Whole Foods on Maui in the spring of 2010. They are going to need 140 people, if all goes well, we'll be there then. Seriously contemplating applying! I can only imagine all the fresh, local food they'll have!

We will be in Maui, for our research trip, in 19 days. Today Dan booked a trip, an excursion, to snorkel. Check out their description:

This 'double the fun' excursion includes snorkeling at Molokini Marine Preserve plus a second snorkel stop at Turtle Arches, a dazzling reef off Maui’s south coast known for its underwater lava arches and large resident population of green sea turtles. Pacific Whale Foundation’s certified marine naturalists give a free guided reef tour to point out sights you could easily miss on your own! We also include all of the snorkel gear, reef safe sunscreen, "learn to snorkel" class for beginners, and a Jr. naturalist program for kids. Each party receives a complimentary color guide, "Enjoying Maui's Unique Ocean Environment" and free dolphin or sea turtle poster. Rash guards are also available for rent (cash only).

This eco-tour cruise includes a tropical continental breakfast with fresh baked pastries, local island fruits, and juices, freshly brewed Kona or Maui coffee. For lunch enjoy a delightful barbecue with grilled chicken, hot dogs and veggie burgers served on fresh rolls with all dressings and condiments. We also serve delicious pasta salad and chips. To quench your thirst we provide a variety of chilled sodas, juices and filtered water, beer, wine and of course our famous Mai Tais.

Mmmm, I can't wait!

Hawaiian Superman

Iz sings a song "Maui...Maui...Maui...Hawaiian Superman! And I never got it, Hawaiian superman? Maui? but I really like the melody. Like the band Blues Traveler sings "It doesn't matter what I say, as long as I sing with inflection". It's a great song and Dan and I would sing along to it as we were driving along Kauai's costal highway (singular is intended). Now that we may be moving to Maui, it's in my head all the time. I decided to learn a little about the place we may be moving to. Snaps to the iPhone, I downloaded a book via the Kindle app. Now whenever I have a spare minute or two or 30, I read "Maui a Demi God of Polynesia and of His Mother Hina. Maui is a God! (well, a demi God) Mystery solved. I have been learning a lot. Like; the 3 simple rules which practically control Hawaiian pronunciation. 1. Give each vowel a German sound. 2. Pronounce each vowel. and 3. Never allow a consonant to close to a syllable. So, Maui's name would be correctly said as Ma-oo-e. It means "to live" and is recognized as belonging to remote Polynesian antiquity. Perfect, we are going to Maui to live, really live.

Things are moving forward rather nicely. We signed a contract with the realtor, so it's official. We're putting the house up on the 25th of this month. Yesterday we spent the day "de cluttering" and packing. Dan started in the loft. An hour into it he exclaimed "I am completely overwhelmed! We have so much Stuff!" So we took a smoke break. I totally understand because I felt that way a month ago. Back then, Dan suggested moving the trip up to Spring, that way we could spend the holidays with the family and be here for my folks' 80th birthdays at the beginning of the year, and that alleviated my anxiety. That was before my brother Greg introduced us to the doctor. Yesterday, in the midst of the enormity of it all, we decided to do an estate sale. That way all we have to worry about is packing up the things we want to keep, which is very minimal. We bought a book while we were in Kauai called "So You Want to Live in Hawaii" http://www.amazon.com/You-Want-Live-Hawaii-Succeeding/dp/0966625366/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249943091&sr=1-1 and it has been worth every penny. Basically, it says to bring only the things you can't buy here. It is costly to ship things, you don't know when you'll have a place of your own, you don't know if what you have will fit into your new home, you don't want to be lugging it around and the moisture will ruin almost any type of wood furniture. So we are bringing some cherished books, most of my cooking equipment and about a 1/8 of my favorite cookbooks (about 50 to 70). The beautiful Waterford crystal my folks bought us along with some other treasured items. We are considering the Lazy-Boys, I mean, come on, they're so comfy! Anyway, the estate sale will make things a lot easier and we will get more money (even though they take a 30% commission) and we need all we can get to start our lives over!

Antoinette says she has a friend on the "beautiful, beautiful", side of the Big Island who owns a home there and is on the mainland. Maybe she would like to rent to us.

Dan spoke with the doctor today. He is really excited that we are coming out. He is giving very few details until we sign a non disclosure agreement, but he is really excited about the project. He is going to take us on a hike and put us in touch with his rental agent (he rents out a condo). While we were at the realtors today, we were waiting for Karen (she is SERIOUS about real estate - http://www.karenbellamy.com/) and taking to the very professional, very nice receptionist. We were telling her why we were moving. Dan tells her about the possible job and living situation. She says she has a friend who owns a place in Kauai and she is not living there. She sends her an email of inquiry.

Things are moving forward nicely. I just watched, and, loved Julie and Julia. Things were moving forward for them nicely too, then things got really depressing, then they made millions! I wonder when the depressing part of our story will come and what the happy ending will be like...

Lessons

There are quite a few of my friends who are expressing enormous support. It's this fantastic give and take that is going on, generating more and more momentum, swinging the pendulum towards Hawaii. One friend, after reading my blog, emailed me this:

"I am so grateful that you two have the courage to live out your dream. Very few people ever take the leap and honor their truth, AND actually live it! How it feels for me, is very freeing. I feel effected by your actions; it actually moves me, solidifies for me living my own truth and having the courage to do so. You know, we all effect each other all the time. The more of us that break free and actually start LIVING, the more of us will start doing that. We are all blessed with more than we know, few of us even realize our full capabilities."

Well put Sonja! She knows, because she has done it. Moved to Ireland, traded in her AVID editing platform for yoga and peace of mind. Her words encapsulate what this is all about. Living. The lessons are already coming. For the past 14 years I have had the same job. I have lived in Colorado my whole life. I have been in the same career for 24 years. My life is safe, predictable. Now, so many things are up in the air, so many unanswered questions. I am learning to live in the moment. To slow down, let go of the control, so I can see what life is offering me. I know intellectually that life will provide, that things I can't even imagine will happen, doors will open, opportunities will arise. But I'm learning how to feel it. To move into the current of my life and go with the flow. Surrender.

Dan already has this skill, he left Chicago on pure desire to live in Colorado and not much else. Now, 13 years later we are happily married and he is the best editor I have ever laid my eyes on. I know what you're thinking and it isn't because I love him so deeply. He really is fantastic at what he does. He thrives on the unknown, it invigorates him, makes him come alive. He has done so many things that force him to be in the moment. He climbed the diamond face of Longs Peak in Estes Park, with no ropes, alone. That was before we met. thank God! He's been to 167 Grateful Dead shows. He has kayaked the clear, cold, frothy rivers of Colorado. Most recently, we went to Nashville to work on the Country Music Awards. We were in an unknown town, an unknown post facility, working with people we didn't know. He came alive, he took the leadership role, became the man! It was a beautiful thing to witness. I hope one day I can ride life's current the way he does. Right now, I can accept the fact that I am learning, getting better, and, in the strong confident hands of my husband. Life will provide if the desire and integrity are there, and that is there!

Whales

The sun peeking through the windows gently pulls me up from a deep sleep. We left the windows open and its cool inside which is why Baxter and Lucy are curled up beside me. The Music of Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (Iz) - "on a white...sandy beach..in Hawaii... - is dancing across my half asleep mind. We went to Kauai in June to celebrate 10 years of marriage and listened to him the whole time. Now, we have our alarm go off playing his CD. Except, this morning the alarm does not go off. With the sounds of Iz blending into whale sounds I think of the DVD we watched last night. Humpback whales, off the coast of Hawaii, gracefully moving their enormous bodies through their playground, the ocean. We watch their hunting strategy, blowing a wall of bubbles, a perfect circle. Trapping the Krill inside they all come up through the middle, the Krill have no chance. Mother and calf swim side by side from Hawaii to Alaska, avoiding the Killer Whales. Dan is touched, I don't know what I look forward to more; seeing whales for the first time or, seeing Dan see whales for the first time.

On the evacuation front, we've had some nibbles on the car and gym equipment, but no takers.

Here We Go!

"Who knows, maybe crazy means going to the same job every day". My friend Antoinette says to me over the phone, she has lived in Hawaii and I've called to ask her questions. "We are doing it!" I tell her and quickly fill her in. We have taken the dogs to the vet to get them started, they won't have to be quarantined once we get there. We have made home improvements and talked to a realtor, the house is going on the market in 2 weeks. We are having a garage sale in 2 weeks, the car, some jewelry, and some exercise equipment are on Craigslist. We going to Maui on a research trip in 3 weeks. I'm happy, it's coming together. It'll all work out, a mantra my friend Dyanne gave me. We may have a job once we get there so we are going to meet a doctor while we are out there. Antoinette is reassuring. As long as you embrace the aloha spirit you will be fine. I tell her that is why we are going. We want to slow down, make meaningful connections, heal, grow and of course paradise is the perfect place to do it. She tells me about the kindness of the friends she'd made there. Giving her a place to stay when needed, a ride. She says she knows they are friends for life and they would do anything for her, her voice echos with the love she feels for them, the softness they've imprinted on her soul. She says people go to Hawaii to heal. I think she is right, for Dan and I, crazy is going to this same job every day. When I hang up, I am estatic, this is the right thing to do, I know it. I am reminded of a favorite quote “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates quote