Surrender

Kauai's beauty greets me warmly again and I feel good because it's harvest day. As I drive to the north shore, stealing glances at the early morning sunlight playing off the ocean, I reflect on how well things are going. Money is coming in pretty good, Dan spoils me with his thoughtful love, my writing seems to be moving forward. I think maybe the personal chef thing isn't going to go anywhere after all. I'm ok with that. I have no attachments with how my work takes shape as long as I enjoy what I am doing and get paid well for it.

I'm a good 2 hours into harvest and I'm hot, dirty and sweaty. I love it; it's like orchestrating a live show; there are things you know for sure and things that you don't. I know we will harvest an average of 200 pounds of produce. I don't know exactly what that produce will be. This week we had 20 pounds of meyer lemons and 12 pounds of green beans that weren't planned for. The CSA boxes were loaded and our wholesale outlets had already placed their orders. So in between the activity I made a call to Dan to see if he wants some lemons or beans.

There is a message from Simone, our neighbor, and am immediately concerned. I listen to her excited voice tell me that she has a job lead for me. Phillip's sister Deborah works at a pretty fancy restaurant and some of her patrons were asking about a personal chef. Simone says Deborah came over this morning and tacked a note on my door with the information. At our house she reads me the note and lets the dogs out. We decide that although I don't need to call them right now I should sometime today.

I am relaxed for todays harvest because I am no longer making the deliveries. It was always the most stressful part of the day. Trying to get everything into the jeep, invoices printed out and on the way to Kapa'a by 1:30 for the 2 o'clock delivery. Jillian is a little stressed out so I offer to take her to lunch.

As we sit in the open air dining room of the Lighthouse Bistro, waiting for our shared order of a bacon cheeseburger and fries, we toast to another successful harvest. We immediately fall into an animated conversation about where we want the farm to go. How big? Do we only want to sell to restaurants and grocery stores? How can we get folks to understand what a CSA is? The summer season is almost over what can we do to generate new members? A doctor in town wants to prescribe our CSA to his clients with obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. This, I think we should focus on. Next week I will make flyers to put in his office. We fall into a well established natural rhythm of dreaming, planning and stretching ourselves.

By the time I get home I am buzzing with joy. I feel so good about harvest, not doing deliveries and my lunch with Jillian that I bombard Dan with the latest update. Jillian wants me to do more work for the farm, Gary (her husband) wants me to do work for his business creating a marketing campaign. He wants Dan to do the website and think about heading up a new division of his business. My excitement is contagious and by the end of our conversation he is excited about all the possibilities too.

I get out of the shower still humming and I sit on the side of my bed. I am about to call the folks who want a personal chef. I close my eyes and feel what is going on inside, it feels electric. I ask my spirit if this job will happen and I get a happy, easy yes. I let go of expectations and say ok, lets see how this unfolds. My needs are taken care of, I am busy, may as well throw it all out there. I'll ask for my full rate. It feels freeing to surrender to what life has in store for me. No expectations, no control, just ride the wave. It's fun too, it puts me right in the moment, the outcome a mystery.

Scott's ebullient voice soars across the air waves. He and his wife Julie are having a dinner party for 8. Can I do it tomorrow night? What do I specialize in? What do I charge? I immediately like him and Julie as they pass the phone between themselves to ask me questions, ecstatic because they are on vacation in Hawaii! I tell them I will send them an email for meal options and ask them to reply by 8am tomorrow morning.

I'll let the pictures tell the story of the evening. It went fantastically well. Yes, there is room for improvement. Despite the few bumpy spots they really enjoyed the evening as did Dan and I. I like this new way of living my life. Trying all kinds of things that I enjoy for work. The farm, the bakery, making flyers, writing and personal cheffing. I am following momentum in whatever area that occurs in. Happy to let other areas that are not working drop off. I work hard at each job because that is who I am. People recognize that and appreciate it. I am happy because I am getting paid to be me, time flies, at the end of the day I feel tired in a good way. I feel satisfied in surrendering.

The entrance to Scott and Julie's vacation rental.

A view of Nawiliwili Bay from their deck

The beach in front of the Kauai Marriott Resort.

The neighbors.

They all enjoyed appetizers on the deck while we prepared the next course.

Scott at the head of the table and his wife Julie in the white dress start dinner with a "Hawaiian prayer" preceding a real prayer.

Scott loves him some dance music, loud! He cranked the tunes, they all drank wine (except the kids) and we danced, cooked and washed dishes. At this point they were enjoying a desert of grilled fresh pineapple and vanilla ice cream drizzled with a carmel rum sauce and chocolate sauce on the side when he cranked Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody and broke out his video camera. Everyone sang, even the kids and us! After dinner everyone danced and Scott pulled me out for a couple of spins and photo ops.

Since we have downsized in all things including income we shave the dogs instead of taking them to the groomer. My role is to provide a safe place for the dogs to be still, their head resting on my lap as Dan shaves them.

It took us a total of 4 hours and 2 days but we did it, I think they look pretty good for first timers. We did have help from our old groomer in Colorado. She told us what type of sheers and blades to get and how to do it.

I had a meeting at Shelsea's on the way to the farm so she made me this fantastic lunch. Scrambled eggs with leftover fried rice, cheddar cheese, fresh garlic and greens.

A beautiful lettuce mix from harvest this week.

It has been raining all week but I decided to take the dogs out anyway. It was dumping as we made our way down the rutted, muddy dirt road. I thought about going home but remembered I had a rain coat in the car. As soon as I parked the jeep, the rain let up and the sun came out.

Baxter was not intimidated by the 3 foot shore breaks.

He just launched over the waves to get his toy.

Success!

Meanwhile, Lucy plays with these black nuts that wash up on shore. You can kinda see it there at the tip of her nose.

She digs like crazy just in front of the nut and it slowly goes further into the ever increasing hole. She loves it, spending the entire time consumed in this little game! 

Right as I got in the jeep it started to rain again!

Fear

It comes to me like a thief in the night, robbing me of my last hour of sleep; quickens my pulse and clenches it’s hands around my throat. 

I sink deeper into pigeon pose noticing the shallowness of my breath. I breathe deep into my lungs, down, pressing air into my belly; feeling what is there. I am taken back 18 years. It’s a warm sunny day in Colorado, I’m 26 and talking with my dad. My fiance and I have just split up. Dad suggests we take the money saved for the wedding and buy myself a home. It ends up being a fantastic little retreat type of home in Lakewood. The condo has 2 bedrooms - with a deck off each one, 2 full bathrooms, a vaulted ceiling, and backs to a park with huge trees and a nearby lake. It’s peaceful and it’s mine; I long to share it with my husband. 

Five years later I meet Dan. We get married and sell the condo in the same month. We buy a sweet house in the foothills of Golden with 3 acres. We have a view of the valley and the big blue Colorado sky. We see horses eating the tender summer grass, huge herds of elk graze in the fall, the fields covered in pure white snow, sparkling as the sun comes up and, mountain lion footprints in the frost of early spring. We love each other, we fight each other, we learn how to live in rhythm with each other. We get pregnant. We decide to build a home with my folks closer to work. They can watch the baby while we work; we can watch them as they age. We lose the baby. We move to Parker anyway. We spend 8 years in a house that backs to open space. A bike path right out the back gate Dan made for me erases my worries as the dogs and I tread thousands of steps. We invest in vacations and home improvements. Years of Easter, Fourth of July, Mother's day, Father's Day, birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas fly past as we spend cherished moments with family and friends. My brother and his wife have 5 kids. 

Tears run down my face as the rain starts to come down. I bring Baxter inside the yoga tent and we snuggle. As he comforts me; the tears come faster. I morn everything I gave up. My career of 25 years, our beautiful home, family, friends, security. I tell myself everyone is afraid of survival; everyone struggles with this. Friends in Colorado, California, Tennessee, Spain, here in Kauai; people all over the world. We all worry about our health, our happiness, our income, our families. It’s ok, Dan and I are doing it in paradise, that makes it better. I wasn’t prepared for the loss in income. So close to poverty level, except for our savings. 

I hear Dan upstairs stirring around in the kitchen. No dishwasher now, everything is hand washed; dishes pile up at every meal. As I walk in the door he greets me with a smile and says “that was short.” I say “yea.” He wants to know what’s wrong. After 14 years he can read me like his favorite book. He is not afraid to be present for my waves of overwhelming emotion. This strengthens me and I think about Marisol’s post on Facebook. About how life is less scary when you have someone to share it with. I can’t hide from him; he wants to know. My throat closes as I choke back the tears. My words are blocked by the sadness as I tell him “we aren’t stupid people, but we gave up so much.” I told him about the condo, the progression, all we used to have. Now, we have what is in our savings and enough to pay our living expenses. No extra money to pay for Lucy’s bad teeth, to have a nice dinner with friends, to get a bigger place. 

He asks me if I want to move back to the mainland. I say no, we’d be experiencing the same thing there. May as well feel it with stunning beauty surrounding us everyday. Trouble is, we’re working so hard we don’t get to enjoy it. We talk about our options. The easy way to make more money seems to do video, it’s what we know; what we’re good at. It feels flat. We talk about more options and redirect our focus. The fear has escaped me; set free from Dan’s support and love. Bolstered, I’m ready to start my day.

My Endless Love

How do you like my new blog layout? I think it’s pretty cool, it has a nice Hawaiian theme now.

This post is my way of running to the top of the highest mountain and shouting; telling the world about the love I have for my husband. At the moment I am overwhelmed with my love for him. It is welling up inside me, infusing me, seeping out as moist droplets from my eyes. I get emotional thinking about it. 

When we decided to move, one of the scariest ideas was knowing that this decision had the potential to make or break us. I am happy to say it has made us, cemented what was already a wonderful relationship into a unshakeable foundation. I feel we can weather any storm. We are getting to know each other better in this small space we lovingly call the treehouse. In tune with each others moods, we notice that the snappy attitude is because we are tired from too much work. Instead of an argument, our hearts expand and allow for snappy. I wake in the middle of the night, scared. He holds me, soothes me, “talks me down” as he likes to say. He doesn’t get enough sleep for his busy work day but he is ok with that, wanting to make sure I am ok. I learn how to talk myself down so he can get much needed sleep. We are growing; as individuals and as a couple. 

Dan, having become an indispensable manager, is working close to 40 hours a week at Papayas. His natural inclination to make things the best they can be has made the patrons of Papayas grateful for the generous selection and affordable prices. His managers are pleased that he is selling things for less while increasing profits and minimizing waste. In his free time he is working hard to create a computer business that includes teaching, repairs and web design. In between those times he loves me. His love was especially poignant this weekend. 

He is tired and I know it, he hasn’t had a day off in about 3 weeks. He’s crunchy and I feel responsible. Somehow, I decided we needed more. We are fine, all of our needs are being met. We have a cozy shelter to rest in and plenty of food. I work at a farm and a bakery and he works at a grocery store - we get free food all the time. Plus, he gets a 20% discount (he knows I miss cherries and peaches from the mainland and has to order them under explicit instruction from his boss, so he brings some home - I’m loving the red, sweet, and juicy, bings he brought home Friday.) We have enough money to pay our bills, we have our health, we have each other. But, I told him I needed more space and therefore more money. Soon, his hours increased at Papayas and the computer business was filling in the extra space. I negotiated with the bakery and will be working 45 to 55 hours a week; including the farm and writing jobs. I am lucky because I do a lot of my work from home allowing for yoga and walking the dogs on the beach. He doesn’t get any play time. 

He says he wants to do the farmers market with me this weekend. It’s hard work and I always love having him around but I tell him he needs to stay home and rest. He says he’ll think about it. By Friday night, he’s decided - he’s coming. He is doing it for free on top of it. We wake at 4:30 am, having to be at the kitchen by 5:30. Shelsea has been up all night baking. We walk into the brightly lit kitchen smelling of fresh baked goods (our tummies growl in resentment of not being fed) and into chaotic energy. Rush, rush, rush! Last minute scones are being made, scooped and popped into the oven. Pomberry; pomegranate, blueberry, raspberry, cherry and almonds with a maple glaze and rose petal sugar sprinkled on top. Chocoberry; buleberries and chocolate chips with a maple glaze and cinnamon sugar sprinkled on top, gluten-free blueberry and blueberry round out the scones. In the frenzy I learn how to properly scoop, shape and bake the 180 scones following short instruction by our exhausted but determined leader. Dan is making sure the displays are assembled, Randi packs the baked goods that are going to the Hanalei market and Amy helps me scoop, shape and bake. 

It’s 2 pm when we leave the bakery and head home hungry and tired. Earlier in the week we had decided that we’d live in the treehouse for at least another 6 months; save money, get the work stuff established. With that in mind, Dan suggests we stop at Home Depot to get a gazebo I’ve had my eye on since February. I want it for my yoga room and to have a place where I can read, write and be outside. For our more adventurous friends wanting to save some money, it would provide a place to sleep. I tell him he needs to go home and rest; he’s really cranky now. He figures we are here, we have the jeep, may as well. 

On the way home Dan tells me Shelsea wants him and I to take over the KCC (Kauai Community College) market, that she wants him to think about it. He will get paid but it will only give him one day off. I am listening to my sweet, smart husband and gazing at the beauty around us; the clear blue ocean in the distance, towering mountains and brightly colored flowers when Dean calls. Dan is scheduled to go to his home in Kilauea tomorrow and give him a computer lesson covering organization, the internet (Dean just got it) and to install a virus scanner. Dan happily says that rescheduling would be just fine with him. Now that he has Sunday off, he wants to set up the gazebo when we get home, at least a 2 hour job. 

I tell him I appreciate all of his hard work but I am worried about him, he says “well you gotta do what you gotta do to get where you want to be, is it what it is.” I thank him for his hustle and hard work and for helping me at the market. I say that I feel like part of why he is doing the market is because he wants to check the situation out, to make sure I’m ok. A sly smile slowly spreads across his face, and he says “well yea, that’s part of it.”

Dan loves the geckos that run around our house chirping as the sun sets, he gets the camera out every time. This little guy didn't live long, Dan found him dead in the morning. I'm amazed by his eyes.

Eggplants were tucked into CSA boxes

and tomatoes. Believe it or not you can't grow tomatoes outside here. The fruit flies "sting" them. What may look like a beautiful tomato on the outside is rotten on the inside. Farmer John, part of our co-op, grew the eggplant and these yummy tomatoes.

A pimento like pepper from the farm; sweet with a mild spice.

I brought home about 4 pounds of extra basil from the farm and made enough pesto to fill a gallon sized zip lock bag!

This tree at the farm has beautiful flowers cascading down it's branches.

Jillian planted some Peruvian purple corn seeds a friend gave her. One ear sprouted; this is the root from one kernel or seed.

Dan displays the flyer and poster I made for the farm at Papayas.

A potential avo (they call avocados avo here) supplier gives Dan samples of 4 different types of avo.

Julie bought me a subscription to Food and Wine magazine as a house warming present. This months issue had a recipe for baked donuts, they were pretty good! The dogs really liked them too (they went stale pretty quick).

We share the commercial kitchen with Doug who owns Pueo Breads. This is his multi grain dough.

 

Doug punching the dough down to make loaves.

Shelsea shows me how to make her gluten-free chocolate chip cookies.

Uncle AK and Aunt Shirley (back row second and fourth from the left) visit mom and dad and Greg's family. He texted me this picture. It really makes me miss them, the kids are getting so big and it's only been 6 months! Lots of love, hugs and kisses to you all!!

Baxter cleaning out the honey jar.

The dogs and I catch the sunrise.

Clearing Out

Our house is emptying out!! Yesterday we sold the leather couch, love seat and matching chair, a bunch of kitchen stuff, plants, cookbooks, book shelves, my diamond ring, snowshoes, the butcher block island, and DVD's. Today Andrea came over and bought the lazy boys, tomorrow the lady who bought the couches is coming back over to buy the pot rack. Next weekend I'm going to pack up the rest of the yellow room and it'll be empty once Dan's sister comes over and gets the china cabinet. One room down. I broke out grandma's old lazy boy chair for Dan (I have to keep mine - the one that now belongs to the new owner of this house - cuz otherwise the dogs can't sit with me) and it's a little small for Dan, but he says its fine.

I sent out some emails last night for some rentals in Kauai. Got some email responses as well as a phone call. The emails said to look them up when we get out there. The lady who called was very nice, sounded like a native. The place is pretty far out by a military base, it's a house divided into 3 separate homes. The one that is available is upstairs and an attic separates it from the other unit. She was fine with Baxter and Lucy. So maybe we only stay there the first month. Dan found a job in the Kauai newspaper for a Audio/Visual Tech Specialist. He would provide services for concerts, conventions, whatever. He sent the posting to my girlfriend Ilissa to see if she'd herd of the place because she does that sort of thing on a large scale. She'd not only heard of it but used to work there as a Director Of Sales. They talked for a long time, she gave him tips on wording and what the job would entail. She said to use her as a reference. It seems like things are starting to come together.

My uncle is coming to visit us next weekend, he and my aunt live in Texas and they want to see us before we go. They are so sweet, my uncle is really funny. The only ones in my family who are really making an effort. My brother came over yesterday to buy some stuff.

While we got about 9 inches of snow, Kauai is flooding out. The guy I met on Face Book the other day is excited about it and Kauai's Hindu Monastery had a video where they were outside, watching the Wailua river flood out with big grins on their faces, standing in 6" of water in flip flops. It's not so much fun for others, some had to be evacuated from their homes.

Friday my boss had our monthly meeting and fortuitously, I was the only one who showed up. We had a honest discussion of my frustrations as well as his and Dan's. I understand now his position and know that things will never change in that department. Not as long as the "child" is running things! I can leave now, with peace. No hard feelings. It has been a great place to work and grow, mentally and financially.

Dan and I are eating like crap and I am not inspired to do much, like blog, so sorry for the lack of posts. I can't believe how exhausting it is to sell all of our stuff. Luckily, Dan and I are doing great. No arguments, some impatience but that is temporary. I actually cooked today. I haven't felt like doing that lately either. We have been living on Isagenix shakes mostly during the work week. We have been eating burgers and fries, ice cream, pastries, eggnog lattes. Sugar, sugar, sugar!!

A Note to My Husband

Hey baby,
I'm worried about you. We both know the house can't sell soon enough. We each have our seperate reasons.

I see you on the weekends so light and happy. Plugged in, conversational, upbeat. I really appreciate all the things you do around the house. Laying tile, painting, yard work, picking up dog poop, keeping the cars clean and maintained, posting things on the Internet for us to sell, doing bills, taking out the trash, fixing things, doing laundry, fixing my computer, installing new programs, helping me figure something out (you have the patience for that) helping make dinner, washing dishes (wash/dry/put), taking the dogs to get groomed or to the vet, and countless other things. I don't have to ask, you never complain. All of these things I see as tokens of love. On the weekends you are a happy man. It takes you a good couple of hours to relax into it, but once you are there, you are patient, kind, gentle, and loving to me and the dogs. You are funny and fun to be around. You have a smile on your face when you talk. Singing silly songs while we walk, you jut your elbow out wanting me to hook my wagon to yours.

Then Tuesday morning rolls around. You are irratable, short with me and the dogs. Quick to find fault. Impatient, grumpy. As the day wears on you complain about everything. The smallest thing will annoy you and you will vent about it until the next irratation comes along. It only gets worse as the week wears on. I take no offence. I know where this is coming from. I know it's not personal. Still, it's no fun to be around. I know you feel underappreciated, and you are. You are brilliant at whatever you do but editing brings your A game out. You know that box as well as you know me. You are creative and capable of understanding technical specs better than I or most editors ever could. It's in your DNA. That's why you are in more demand than any other editor there. That and because the status quo just won't do for you, you have to put your "signature" on everything you edit. Even if that means trying something new, learning, pushing yourself. You love to figure things out. Challenge yourself. Everyone knows this, even management. They take advantage of it instead of encouraging it. You are a natural leader, they won't let you lead. They want to have the knowledge that you spend hours researching but don't want to reward you for it. You are under pressure working on originals and marketing. Both demand a lot of approvals from various levels of management and as a result loads of revisions. You remember which graphic is current and where to find it, do you use a copyright or registration mark? The producer doesn't know but you do. You've asked for a break, you can do one or the other but not both, it's too much. They hear you but only offer more of the same. You have no power but everyone, including management, seeks out your expertise. The producers have come to rely on you. Dropping their work off, they know you'll get it done and get it done right with that Dan Lane signature they all clamour for. I know it's wearing you out, I see it crush your spirit every day that you are there.

It's time for us to go, try something new. Get to know eachother even better, fall in love a little more. I hope it happens sooner than later, for your sake, for my sake, for our sake.

I love you sweetheart...




-- Posted from my iPhone