Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Along time ago, about 17 years ago, my fiancee Mike told me I was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I never understood what he meant until years later. Now I see it in my family. My parents, and even by brother, can be very kind, thoughtful and loving. I haven't spoken about that part, but here is an example. My dad called, brokenhearted, after speaking with my brother. Greg called him and told him what happened. He told me what he knew and I listened. I told him how I felt and he listened. He said the biggest disappointment in his life was that my brother and I didn't get along. I told him I understood. I wish I had a brother that I could feel safe around, laugh with, share with. But, it is what it is and that isn't us. He said, through tears,  he really wanted to get a family portrait on Christmas day. As frustrated as I am, I can't take that away from him. He has been a good father, doing the best he knows how. I understand that I am shattering his version of the American Dream. I understand that mom and dad are worried for us, if we stay, we are close and safe. It's hard for him to express his love when he feels so scared about what is happening. Another benefit of this debacle with my brother is that I can see this clearly now. Somehow, it made me closer to dad. Reminded me that he is a good, kind, thoughtful, loving person. He and I aren't sure if Dan and I are welcome in Greg's house, but, I told him we would go for an hour so he could get his picture and we could see the kids one last time. Dan is reluctant, worried that another fight will break out and that he will not be able to stay silent or calm. Dad understands this and knows if Greg starts up, we will leave. I am sad because the whole reason we stayed so long is because we (I) wanted to spend the holidays and mom and dads birthday with my family. Dad says forget about their birthday, and that is sad too. We'll see what happens.

So, Dan and I called in today. My stomach isn't sending out what I put in anymore but it sure doesn't want any food. For the last 2 days I have been living on water, tea, meal shakes and some soup. I didn't really eat this morning, tried to drink a shake but only got a couple drinks down. It's 11am and I told Dan I was going to have to eat something because I'm getting really dizzy. We're going to order from our favorite chinese place, they have the best broth and they deliver, plus, we have have the leftovers for dinner.

I just got a text from Gracie. "hey I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry for that one day I was so mean and I am sorry for saying that to you" Now, it just breaks my heart that Gracie is feeling any guilt for this and is being drug into this nastiness. I wrote her back "Honey I told you it was ok, I know it's not coming from you, you heard someone else say something and it hurt your feelings so you acted out, it's ok, you're 8 that's what 8 year olds do. I so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so love you, please, please, please don't feel bad about it, it's ok". So Gracie says back " K I just really want you to come for Christmas". Dilemma. What to say to this precious 8 year old child? I ask Dan and we decide to say "We would like to also but you're gonna have to ask your dad about that". Ugh!

Dad just called after speaking with Greg. In tears, he explained that he told Greg this may be our last Christmas together and he thought we should be together. He said Greg agreed. So, my plan is to get better so I don't get anyone sick, and so I can be in tip top shape mentally, I'm going to need it!

The Gift

I have been trying to let my inner voice guide me. That is why I listened to it in regards to my brother. I went to bed last night wondering why it was so strong, with the outcome, I couldn't understand why. I woke up at 3am thinking about it again. I noticed that I had a fuck you feeling towards everyone. It has been hard for me to connect with people on an intimate level my whole life. Leaving Colorado, I wonder why I don't have very many close friends. Dan and I work hard at making our marriage work, and I am very thankful that the one deep connection I have is this one. So, laying in bed I got into a tailspin of nobody cares. I started feeling really aggressive. Then it hit me. If your family gives you the message that you don't really matter then what makes you think anyone else will care. The building block of all my self destruction as a teenager seeping into my adult life. Now I see, I needed to see. I can go forward into my new life with this awareness and make meaningful connections. One of the reasons I want to move to Hawaii is because the people there make it easier. They believe in connection.