Thursday, December 24, 2009


The more I know, the more I know I don't know that much. I think I understand. I thought I understood. Time is so fluid, bending to each moment, showing me a new angle, something I hadn't noticed before. It reminds me of my favorite Grateful Dead song lyric "Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right". My friends Brian and Deb have shown me that no matter how (dis)functional your family is, they are your family. That doesn't mean you buy into abusive, insensitive or mean behaviours. But maybe you can tolerate it a little easier if you put yourself in their shoes, something I can extend to friends and colleagues easier than I could family. In the process of leaving, I have noticed that people either share in our joy or repel from it. I, being me, took it personal and found fault with it. Deb has helped me understand that it's just hard to say goodbye, and some folks would rather not do it. Maybe they decide to circumnavigate the goodbye by avoiding the person, maybe they create distance through strife to make it easier. I have learned not to take it personally. Some people understand it is life, people have to go their own way, down their own lumpy path, to find their home. Back in the day there were heartfelt letters and occasional visits to keep in touch. Today, with technology, it's easier to stay connected. Facebook, email, Skype, cell phones, we can stay connected. It isn't as intimate as being there but it is better than nothing. Dan and I got hit by the dreaded and much feared H1N1, and are living to tell about it! We have spent the last 5 days recovering. We are doing pretty good today, I'm still pretty woozy. I think tomorrow I can go into my brothers house with peace in my heart, goodwill towards my family, hope for an apology and expect nothing. I got the talkin part done, wish me luck! I do think we'll all be closer for it. Already, I feel closer to my folks. I see now, they have been walking a tightrope. One side is staying connected with Dan and I. The other, the opposite. They are going to miss us, the things we do for them, the easy companionship we provide. They fear for our safety, maybe even our marriage. They do the best they can, sometimes falling on the side of disconnection sometimes, bringing us closer. I too walk a tightrope, one side old grievances easily triggered by something as small as a tone in their voice, the other side is connection.  I can not control how our friends and family decide to react to our departure. I can understand, that for some, it is a hard thing to support. Life is for the living. Dan and I need to do this for ourselves, for our marriage. I can already see Dan easing into this new life. Being sick has forced him to relax. Yesterday, we decided to go into work. The closer we got, the grumpier he got. We didn't last long, wore out by the effort once we got there. The further away we got the happier he got. We decided that since we were out, we may as well pick up some staples, mail the certified check for rent and deposit, and change the title on the jeep over to our names. Usually, when he is sick and having to run errands he is not his best self. Yesterday though, I saw the Dan I fell in love with. I like to call him Danny. Patient, kind, playful, thoughtful. We used to go to the mountains a lot. Once he got up there, a big smile would spread across his face and his eyes would be the color of the Colorado sky. He would be so happy, content, easy, adventurous, bold. Dan and his friend Damon, in these moments would say "aaahhh, look at them blue jays". So, I call them his blue jay eyes. Recapturing those blue jay eyes is part of what this move is about. Why stay in a place when you are not challenged or inspired or have a place to grow towards? I understand if you have a family to support, perfectly reasonable thing to do. We have no kids, we have each other. This is what we have to do.

On a lighter note, we got our HD camera today. He is very excited about it. We'll shoot the family tomorrow and maybe I'll learn how to post video!!