Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I am amazed at the power and strength my inner voice has given me, that using my voice has given me. When it came to defending myself, always, in my family, I have kept silent. By speaking out to Greg in what I believe was a firm way, with the idea of standing up for myself, I have received yet another lesson. I feel like I can stand up straighter, a little taller. I'm stronger for it.

Later that evening...

And the lessons keep pouring in. Deb, my steadfast, compassionate, supportive friend read my recent posts and sent me this email. God, I  love her, wise woman that she is! But, with her honest opinion, which rings true in my ears, comes more confusion. Was is not my higher voice shouting out but my baby girl voice?

Even later that evening...

To set the lesson, we watched Ice Age 2. Basically, I watched what I am going through right now in a cartoon!

On Dec 23, 2009, at 5:09 PM, Deb wrote:

Hey baby, a little story:

So, when I was in Korea, I had a really tight relationship with a few British people - one guy in particular, Chris.  I had quite a crush on him and he did on me too.  But, there was another woman who also had a  crush on Chris, was very possessive and was my roommate.  She did everything she could to keep Chris and I apart.  Chris asked me to go to Thailand and China with him when he left.  I still had 6 months on my contract, so said I couldn't at that time. 

The story is, about 2 months before he left and after I told him I wouldn't go with him for now he started acting weird; he really started pulling away from not just me (but it was particularly with me) the whole close knit group. See, Chris was the first to leave the group.  The closer time came for him to leave, the more he wouldn't have anything to do with any of us and, in fact, started hanging out exclusively with the people he always hated and put down constantly.  Suddenly it was like he was in love with these guys and in deep hate with us. 

We all got together (his old group and his new group and students of his) and had a big surprise going away party for him; and he didn't show up.  Thinking that perhaps wires got crossed and maybe he didn't know he was suppose to drop in at the friend's that night, we called him and actually begged him to come and told him about the party, but he refused - and later he wouldn't even answer his phone.  He didn't come home until the next morning just to make sure that no one was waiting for him (his roommate and a few of his new friends were.) 

He only said goodbye to his new friends, never said goodbye to me or my roommate (we 3 were the closest) or even his own roommate and some of the other older group.  I was heartbroken, and just couldn't understand what had happened.  He sent postcards while he traveled only to the school, never to any of us; and only emailed members of the the new group. 

I had been back in the States for at least a year before he finally emailed me.  He was in Bangkok and wanted to know if I wanted to meet him there and then go to Japan to teach for a while.  I was already in Colorado by then and my life was set for the time.  I tried to get him to come here, but he wouldn't.  We emailed for at least a year back and forth, but it finally ended when I lost a job and my email address and didn't remember his.  

This is what I realized later...saying goodbye to people you really care about affects people differently.  Chris was the first to go, but in the next 6 months I saw people change in various ways before they left too.  Most withdrew from the people closest to them.

That was my M.O. too.  Because I was always the one who left, I didn't know the affects.  I always sort of sneaked out of town without saying goodbye too - esp. when I knew it was somewhere I wouldn't return too.  I had myself convinced that no one really cared anyway, or would even notice my absence.  (I would often find out later that some really did miss me, and would ask what the heck had happened.  My answer was always that it was just too hard for me to say goodbye.)  Since I was the person (up until Korea) that was always leaving, I didn't really notice how people (myself included) acted.

I think the people closest to you are the ones who act the worse --- and ---  are the ones you react to the most.  They are also the ones who hurt you the most --- but--- are also hurt by you the most.  And, because deep emotions are involved, no one can really see what is going on.

Also consider that the money he owes you may not be the real issue, but that you want to use it and your parents not applauding your move to help you separate from them.  Remember this is your first time moving away and it is really hard when you have had a close family - dysfunctional or not.  This is normal, don't worry about it.  And remember too that Dan has already gone through this process before, so leaving - even though you soo soo want it and are going to paradise - is much more traumatic to you and your parents. 

Also, about you brother....  Can you consider the fact that a man with 5 children and a wife he clearly doesn't respect or probably even love  and is struggling in building a business is pretty damned jealous of you guys getting to "run away from it all" - (I imagine that is probably the way he feels about it.)  He is probably feeding the shit to your parents as well because of his jealousy.  He is acting out.  So, the point is that you don't have to be kind to him or give him a break or anything, it is that you don't have to let it affect you because it is created from a very negative feeling.

Love you both and try to feel better - both physically and emotionally.