Monday, September 21, 2009

Blue Monday

It's dark out. I'm cozy, warm in my bed, the covers pulled up to my chin. The only sound is Lucy snoring. I glance at the clock, 4:30am. Thinking it's too early to get up, I hunker down, burrowing into my blankets. My mind is wide awake. It emphatically tells me that right now would be a great time to do yoga and listen to Pema. I can't argue, it is. I banished Dan to the guest room last night because I didn't fall asleep before his snoring began. He's good like that, just gets up from a dead sleep and trundles over to the other bed. Even if I get out all quiet like and he's snoring away as soon as my body weight is no longer solidly on the bed, he wakes up. He always goes to the other bed. He says its because the dogs sleep with me and there is more room in our bed than the guest bed. I get the dogs in a stay and pad over to the guest room and quietly close the door. Today is our last day off before the work week begins so there is laundry to do and lots of food to cook. Yesterday's lunch and dinner need to be made and frozen. I change the bed sheets and gather the laundry and go down stairs. The clothes separated, waiting for Dan to wake. I lay out my yoga mat, turn on the gas fireplace, open the blinds to let the sunrise in, get my meditation clock ready and put on my head phones. I'm doing Paul Grilley's Yin Yoga routine from his book. I love Yin Yoga because if forces me to slow down and pay attention to what is going on with me. The poses, held for 5 minutes, slowly open my legs, hips and back. When I'm in this still place I am very open and calm, steady in my knowledge that everything is going to be ok. Pema is talking about addiction. She names quite a few; smoking, alcohol, drugs, gossip, anger, jealousy, food. There will always be triggers so she talks about getting hooked. That moment when you know you are turning yourself over to your vice. Blindly letting it take control of you. Even though you know how it will turn out, that moving forward with this deeply embedded pattern will leave you feeling worse, not comforted. She is funny, self deprecating, sharing her tendency towards gossip. She is compassionate and kind, suggesting that we be compassionate and kind to our selves when we can not get unhooked. She offers an example of overcoming our vices, slowly, with patience and grace. When you are on the edge, trying hard not to get seduced by your addiction, breathe deep and stay with the feeling. Stay with the uncomfortable, yucky feeling. Breathe through it, think of someone who is calm or something, like a beloved cat. She says that helps cut right through it. The more you do it, the easier it becomes because you are not fueling the fire. I decide that I am going to try doing that today. Making breakfast, there were several times when I felt that old familiar feeling, luring me into rationalizations of how I could have one puff (they're sitting on the deck), one smoke, just to get me through that one moment. When that happened, I stopped what I was doing. I felt the uncomfortable butterflies going crazy in the pit of my stomach. I felt the overwhelming urge to jump out of my skin. Blood rushing through my carotid artery. Nervous energy coursing wildly through my body. Ants in my pants times 2000! I took a deep breath... And continued on with what I was doing. Humph, maybe this will work. I'm afraid to get excited yet, I mean, I have been trying to quit for 5 years! After my yoga I meditate and say my mantra, set my intention for the day and request that no one come to look at the house today unless they are going to buy it. Dan and I could use some down time! I use up the last of the chili's making a sauce for huevos rancheros and we sit down to the Daily Show while we eat. Back in the kitchen, I get the ratatoullie simmering, I'm also roasting some carrots for a dinner salad tomorrow and brazing some cabbage for a lunch later on. All burners are in use, the kitchen smells fantastic, I feel great. Dan, being an excellent partner in the kitchen is busy washing dishes when his phone rings. He groans, it's the realtor. She says between 10 and noon, he looks at me, at the food cooking, at the clock reading 9:30. I say, YES! Cold, we are sitting outside our house, watching the snow come down on this last day of summer, waiting for them to come and go. Karen called to say we may get a contract on the house today, she wanted to know when we wanted to close, Dan says the end of October. I'm excited, is this proof that the secret works?! I don't know. This means we will be leaving sooner than later. I'm so happy, I'm dancing around. Dan, on the other hand is "nervous". He has been irritated by having to vacate the house twice a day every day this weekend. I keep telling him, that is the way it is right now, we are selling our house. He says he knows and gets tweaked about it anyway. I ask him why he is nervous, he says he just is. That if they sign the contract today then we'll have to start getting ready to move, selling all our stuff and everything. I say yea, isn't that the plan? Are you sure you want to do this? He says yes, he's just nervous. It's a reminder to me of how people choose different ways to handle things. For me, this is a happy time!

It's almost 3, no patch, no ciggie, I feel good! I can do this!

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