Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Nerves, Nerves, Nerves!

I get up at 5am to do my yoga and I notice my mind is all over the place. Throughout my practice I am reminding myself to come back to the present. I don't even remember what I was thinking about, a lot of random thoughts. Usually, by the time I am done with my practice, I am calm and centered. Not today. I got upstairs and my mind turns on me. I have been backsliding on smoking am I'm really starting to feel it in my lungs so I decide today I won't smoke, I'll wear a patch instead. I am fully aware that this is a big week. Thursday, we will no longer own our home. Friday, we will be giving up our safe jobs that we've had for over a decade. My resolute determination is wavering, falling to the background. I barely remember why we are doing this as I think about how this will make or break us. Will we remain together? Is he going to tell me he's gay and leave me? I have no doubt that Dan is not gay, but my mind plays back all the Oprah shows where women are talking about their husbands leaving them for another man. I get out of the shower and put the patch on and feel better. Those thoughts leave me while Dan and I quietly get ready for work. I go downstairs to start breakfast, my stomach churning, and Dan joins me moments later. Still, we are lost in our thoughts, saying nothing, going about our work morning routine. Finally, I say I'm freaking out and he says he is too. He says we will no longer own a home or have reliable jobs, jobs we've had for a long time. I ask if we are going to make it? Will you tell me you are gay or something? He laughs, says he has no doubt we'll make it. I ask him for a hug and to tell me that everything is going to be alright. He gladly and lovingly obliges. He says I'm crazy if I think I can quit today or this week for that matter. I take off my patch and we go out for a smoke.

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