Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I have been trying to let my inner voice guide me. That is why I listened to it in regards to my brother. I went to bed last night wondering why it was so strong, with the outcome, I couldn't understand why. I woke up at 3am thinking about it again. I noticed that I had a fuck you feeling towards everyone. It has been hard for me to connect with people on an intimate level my whole life. Leaving Colorado, I wonder why I don't have very many close friends. Dan and I work hard at making our marriage work, and I am very thankful that the one deep connection I have is this one. So, laying in bed I got into a tailspin of nobody cares. I started feeling really aggressive. Then it hit me. If your family gives you the message that you don't really matter then what makes you think anyone else will care. The building block of all my self destruction as a teenager seeping into my adult life. Now I see, I needed to see. I can go forward into my new life with this awareness and make meaningful connections. One of the reasons I want to move to Hawaii is because the people there make it easier. They believe in connection.