It's 3:47am

I shot straight out of a deep sleep. Wide awake now, I lay there with yesterdays remnant's wispy in my mind. I really need to start meditating again. Meditating clears the cobwebs and I end up with a calm, open mind. Since I started smoking again, yoga went by the way side. New quit date though, September 17th, they day I have mouth surgery. As I lay there in the dark, I hear Dan's voice echo "but what if we don't go in November". He said that to me yesterday. I have decided that we are leaving in November. I have decided that the house will be fixed up so nice that no one can resist. I hope that the first people who walk into the door fall in love and buy it. The estate sale is very profitable, we close when October closes, the doctor is ready for us to come work (or not), the dogs are ready and off we go. The thought of staying here really depresses me. I have rung all that I can from here. If I stay here, there will be no more growth, no more inspiration, just long lanes and empty highways of the same old thing. Then work crept into my mind like a slow infectious disease and it was over, no sleep for me! I thought I was being stealthy getting my robe and closing the bedroom door but Dan was awake anyway. "What's up honey?" he says in a soft, loving voice. "Nothing". "Are you ok?" Holding back tears I say I am fine. "What are you doing?" I say I'm going to go downstairs, sit out in the early morning air, and have a smoke. He's up anyway, he stands and gives me a hug and we go down together. Aside from work, his week has been busy trying to find a new bank. When we go for our research trip, we can open an account and have the money from the closing of the house transferred there. He's spent a lot of time on the phone finding an insurance company that covers Hawaii, comparing rental insurance, home owners insurance, insurance for the jeep and a motorcycle. It's a beautiful night, clear and cool, the quite is profound. He says he can't sleep because of his ill fitting pillows. I tell him my ails. I feel much better now. I'm am so grateful that I married a man who not only cares about how I feel, who not only listens, I mean really listens, but bolsters me, helps me find answers.

Yesterday we got our CSA delivery: corn, large and small beets, collards, chard, tomato, eggplant, romaine, tiny, fat carrots, loads of radishes, cilantro, parsley, beans, zucchini, kohlrabi, spinach, red leaf lettuce, one of Dan's favorites; young onions and our beautiful cut flowers. They are so lovely, I posted a picture of them.

Since we have a leisurely morning I think I'll make the leftover poached egg with cheese sauce over toast that I made this weekend, courtesy of Julia Child and stop by Starbucks for some extra strength caffeine. I hear Iz coming from Dan's computer...

My Aching back!

Whew! Feeling my age today! I spent 3 hours talking pictures down and individually wrapping each one in newspaper before packing them into a blanket lined moving box. It was nice, the windows were open so a cool breeze flitted through the sun dappled room. As I was carefully packing our memories, Bob Weir was singing about what a long strange trip it's been and I was reminiscing backwards! I felt like I was already in Hawaii, unpacking the pictures. I can only take that as a good sign. In between loads of laundry I got them all packed while Dan was working on the trim up the stairs and running to the hardware store. We got some collards from the CSA so I mixed them with some boiled potatoes, shallots and bacon for lunch. I thought I was done for the day when Dan asked me to help him paint the upstairs hallway. Ugh! Looks great now. Nobody is going to be able to resist this little piece of heaven! It's going on the market in 7 days, wish us luck! Speckles (Dan's face in covered in little yellow paint spots)just came in after assembling a ceiling fan, lightly kissed my neck and cheek and said I'm done for today, I'm going to take a shower. I having already taken one, am catching up on my blog. We are waiting for the delivery guy to drop off some Kung Pao Chicken and fried wantons for Dan and Pineapple-shrimp fried rice for me. Think we'll open a bottle of wine even though it's a school night!

Beautiful

I'm wide awake, ready to go. I lay there fighting, resisting waking up. I know, by the light, that I don't even get up this early for work. My eyes crackle open, they are dry and immediately want to close again. It's 5:48am! I close them again, Dan and I innertwine arms, snuggle into the comfort of half awake, in your most favorite bed ever, on your day off. Seconds tick by like minutes and I crack my eyes open again, I see Dan softly, gently sleeping. My first thought is beautiful.

Deb is coming over today for lunch with Trav. I am making a spinach souffle with the spinach from our CSA (http://grantfarms.com/home.php) a salad and cherry clafoutis with some rose that Dan picked up. A cherry calfoutis? Cherries (with the pits still in because they add flavor) sauteed in butter, sugar, lemon zest and almond extract and poured into a cassarole. Make a batter and add whipped egg whites to it, top the cherries and bake, delicious! Deb is staying here while we do our "research" trip in a few weeks. So, we have to show her where the dog food is.

Before that, we are going to Castle Rock and having breakfast. Coffee from Crowfoot and a pastry from Dream Pastries. The picture is their crossioant with ham and swiss but I think I am going to have one of their big, crunchy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside, rolls with butter and jelly. We'll head over to Tony's for some chicken and finish off shopping at Vitaman Cottage.

Tomorrow: painting, cleanng and packing. The finish line is in site, 10 more days until we list the house.

So Exciting!

Since Dan and I have made the decision to move to Hawaii, and things are solidifying, my heart has been uplifted. I just can't be in a bad mood, things don't get me down. I am joyous, I have energy, I want to do things. You need something? Right on! How can I help? I'll have a challenging (read frustrating) day at work but it just doesn't matter anymore. I don't care about the 8am roll call that completely demeans us as professionals, I don't care that I've given this company everything I have and it is still not good enough, I don't care that my manager doesn't work with me to obtain goals, I don't care that he forgets about my goals when he has an opportunity to fulfill them, I don't care about next year's review, I don't care about the mediocrity that is nourished here, I just don't care. I care about doing a good job but that's my own personal work ethic. I don't believe other people should suffer because I am not happy. Plus, I'm trying to enjoy every last moment I have here. Making the decision to leave my job is like taking off an old, worn out, threadbare coat that gives the illusion of protection. The soul crushing routine of daily being treated like a number is over. No more spinning around in the rat race. It just isn't working anymore and it is really making Dan miserable. He is under so much pressure and is so under appreciated it makes me sad to he his spirit, so vibrant and alive, slowly crushed every day that we spend here. It is time to live for life, not work, not possessions. We will miss our co workers and the great conversations we have in edit. The life long relationships we've been fortunate to create (yup, we did create some great things here) are a treasure and we will celebrate our friendship with them in Hawaii when they come to visit! Yea baby!

Fergilicious!

This morning I woke up with Fergie's "Glamorous" song in my head and by the time we left for work I couldn't shake it. So, I batted my eyes and asked in my sweetest voice if I could play it on the way in. Grudgingly he said yes. He's really not into that kind of music. So I played it, and I loved it. Bouncing around, singing, just having a good ol time! The song was over and I grabbed my iPod to put on something he would enjoy. He said "you can leave it on", a big grin spread across my face, I didn't wait for him to change his mind! Now, if you ask me, that's love! He's willing to listen to MY music! Sigh...

I've learned that they are opening a Whole Foods on Maui in the spring of 2010. They are going to need 140 people, if all goes well, we'll be there then. Seriously contemplating applying! I can only imagine all the fresh, local food they'll have!

We will be in Maui, for our research trip, in 19 days. Today Dan booked a trip, an excursion, to snorkel. Check out their description:

This 'double the fun' excursion includes snorkeling at Molokini Marine Preserve plus a second snorkel stop at Turtle Arches, a dazzling reef off Maui’s south coast known for its underwater lava arches and large resident population of green sea turtles. Pacific Whale Foundation’s certified marine naturalists give a free guided reef tour to point out sights you could easily miss on your own! We also include all of the snorkel gear, reef safe sunscreen, "learn to snorkel" class for beginners, and a Jr. naturalist program for kids. Each party receives a complimentary color guide, "Enjoying Maui's Unique Ocean Environment" and free dolphin or sea turtle poster. Rash guards are also available for rent (cash only).

This eco-tour cruise includes a tropical continental breakfast with fresh baked pastries, local island fruits, and juices, freshly brewed Kona or Maui coffee. For lunch enjoy a delightful barbecue with grilled chicken, hot dogs and veggie burgers served on fresh rolls with all dressings and condiments. We also serve delicious pasta salad and chips. To quench your thirst we provide a variety of chilled sodas, juices and filtered water, beer, wine and of course our famous Mai Tais.

Mmmm, I can't wait!

Hawaiian Superman

Iz sings a song "Maui...Maui...Maui...Hawaiian Superman! And I never got it, Hawaiian superman? Maui? but I really like the melody. Like the band Blues Traveler sings "It doesn't matter what I say, as long as I sing with inflection". It's a great song and Dan and I would sing along to it as we were driving along Kauai's costal highway (singular is intended). Now that we may be moving to Maui, it's in my head all the time. I decided to learn a little about the place we may be moving to. Snaps to the iPhone, I downloaded a book via the Kindle app. Now whenever I have a spare minute or two or 30, I read "Maui a Demi God of Polynesia and of His Mother Hina. Maui is a God! (well, a demi God) Mystery solved. I have been learning a lot. Like; the 3 simple rules which practically control Hawaiian pronunciation. 1. Give each vowel a German sound. 2. Pronounce each vowel. and 3. Never allow a consonant to close to a syllable. So, Maui's name would be correctly said as Ma-oo-e. It means "to live" and is recognized as belonging to remote Polynesian antiquity. Perfect, we are going to Maui to live, really live.

Things are moving forward rather nicely. We signed a contract with the realtor, so it's official. We're putting the house up on the 25th of this month. Yesterday we spent the day "de cluttering" and packing. Dan started in the loft. An hour into it he exclaimed "I am completely overwhelmed! We have so much Stuff!" So we took a smoke break. I totally understand because I felt that way a month ago. Back then, Dan suggested moving the trip up to Spring, that way we could spend the holidays with the family and be here for my folks' 80th birthdays at the beginning of the year, and that alleviated my anxiety. That was before my brother Greg introduced us to the doctor. Yesterday, in the midst of the enormity of it all, we decided to do an estate sale. That way all we have to worry about is packing up the things we want to keep, which is very minimal. We bought a book while we were in Kauai called "So You Want to Live in Hawaii" http://www.amazon.com/You-Want-Live-Hawaii-Succeeding/dp/0966625366/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249943091&sr=1-1 and it has been worth every penny. Basically, it says to bring only the things you can't buy here. It is costly to ship things, you don't know when you'll have a place of your own, you don't know if what you have will fit into your new home, you don't want to be lugging it around and the moisture will ruin almost any type of wood furniture. So we are bringing some cherished books, most of my cooking equipment and about a 1/8 of my favorite cookbooks (about 50 to 70). The beautiful Waterford crystal my folks bought us along with some other treasured items. We are considering the Lazy-Boys, I mean, come on, they're so comfy! Anyway, the estate sale will make things a lot easier and we will get more money (even though they take a 30% commission) and we need all we can get to start our lives over!

Antoinette says she has a friend on the "beautiful, beautiful", side of the Big Island who owns a home there and is on the mainland. Maybe she would like to rent to us.

Dan spoke with the doctor today. He is really excited that we are coming out. He is giving very few details until we sign a non disclosure agreement, but he is really excited about the project. He is going to take us on a hike and put us in touch with his rental agent (he rents out a condo). While we were at the realtors today, we were waiting for Karen (she is SERIOUS about real estate - http://www.karenbellamy.com/) and taking to the very professional, very nice receptionist. We were telling her why we were moving. Dan tells her about the possible job and living situation. She says she has a friend who owns a place in Kauai and she is not living there. She sends her an email of inquiry.

Things are moving forward nicely. I just watched, and, loved Julie and Julia. Things were moving forward for them nicely too, then things got really depressing, then they made millions! I wonder when the depressing part of our story will come and what the happy ending will be like...

Lessons

There are quite a few of my friends who are expressing enormous support. It's this fantastic give and take that is going on, generating more and more momentum, swinging the pendulum towards Hawaii. One friend, after reading my blog, emailed me this:

"I am so grateful that you two have the courage to live out your dream. Very few people ever take the leap and honor their truth, AND actually live it! How it feels for me, is very freeing. I feel effected by your actions; it actually moves me, solidifies for me living my own truth and having the courage to do so. You know, we all effect each other all the time. The more of us that break free and actually start LIVING, the more of us will start doing that. We are all blessed with more than we know, few of us even realize our full capabilities."

Well put Sonja! She knows, because she has done it. Moved to Ireland, traded in her AVID editing platform for yoga and peace of mind. Her words encapsulate what this is all about. Living. The lessons are already coming. For the past 14 years I have had the same job. I have lived in Colorado my whole life. I have been in the same career for 24 years. My life is safe, predictable. Now, so many things are up in the air, so many unanswered questions. I am learning to live in the moment. To slow down, let go of the control, so I can see what life is offering me. I know intellectually that life will provide, that things I can't even imagine will happen, doors will open, opportunities will arise. But I'm learning how to feel it. To move into the current of my life and go with the flow. Surrender.

Dan already has this skill, he left Chicago on pure desire to live in Colorado and not much else. Now, 13 years later we are happily married and he is the best editor I have ever laid my eyes on. I know what you're thinking and it isn't because I love him so deeply. He really is fantastic at what he does. He thrives on the unknown, it invigorates him, makes him come alive. He has done so many things that force him to be in the moment. He climbed the diamond face of Longs Peak in Estes Park, with no ropes, alone. That was before we met. thank God! He's been to 167 Grateful Dead shows. He has kayaked the clear, cold, frothy rivers of Colorado. Most recently, we went to Nashville to work on the Country Music Awards. We were in an unknown town, an unknown post facility, working with people we didn't know. He came alive, he took the leadership role, became the man! It was a beautiful thing to witness. I hope one day I can ride life's current the way he does. Right now, I can accept the fact that I am learning, getting better, and, in the strong confident hands of my husband. Life will provide if the desire and integrity are there, and that is there!