A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast she can do.

I'm really pissed (sorry dad) and have quit the bakery, only the baker doesn't know yet. I'm feeling really passive aggressive about the whole thing. 

Everything was fine until about 2 weeks ago when I asked to get paid. I have been doing the KCC Farmers Market on Saturdays and got my pay directly from the cash box at the end of the day. During the week I would write text for her website, make labels, product lists and other marketing materials. This is what I have not been paid for, she owes me $425.00 for work done over the course of 7 weeks, about 6 hours a week.

To make the long, boring, insanity breeding story short; once I invoiced her for the money she attacked me and my work ethic accusing me of doing bad work and over charging her. Before I asked her for my money she was fine with my work. I got really mad, I didn't appreciate being called a liar and a thief and told her to forget it, I didn't want to work for her anymore and she could keep the money. 

Knowing she was leaving soon for a month, she smoothed it over by saying she didn't mean to make it sound like she was questioning my work ethic. She would pay me Tuesday. Tuesday turned into Wednesday. Wednesday turned into Thursday and Thursday turned into Saturday. In the meantime she had no problem asking me to do additional work, which I of course did not do. She agreed to put the money she owed me in the cash box Saturday morning. It wasn't there, just the normal chaotic, confusing, running late, crazed rush that had become my Saturday mornings. She left the bakery in a rush saying she would drop the money off at my house on her way to the airport and by the way please take the $50.00 bag of freshly harvested and toasted macadamia nuts to your house and I will pick that up as well. 

After market, she left a message saying take everything but $100.00 from the cash box and (if she can remember) she will leave the rest at her house (it's unlocked) in the form of a check, how much do I owe you? I call her back, she's not answering her phone, I leave a message - like I'm going to trust a check that she may or may not remember to leave at her house - I tell her the deal was cash and she can drop it off on her way to the airport. I got a call from her last night asking me if I picked up her notebook, the one she needs for her trip. I tell her no, she says she'll call me later tonight once she gets in. I didn't care at that point, I already had a plan devised with the help of my husband. Of course there was no call, but it's too late anyway.

There was $176.50 left in the cash box so it is now mine. The cash box (which was her mother's cosmetic case) and the mac nuts will be returned to her when she pays me the remaining $248.50. And, I'm not doing the market anymore, but she can find that out Saturday morning when her helper calls to say I haven't shown up and they can't get a hold of me. 

I have two questions for you. The first is: do you think I am being too harsh?

That leads to my second question. I like her, we got along great - like sisters who hadn't seen each other in a while. She is a fantastic baker creating baked goods that I have never seen before; unique, delicious and made with real food. No artificial ingredients, fillers, preservatives, no junk. It's bad food that you can feel good about eating! Bad in the sense that it's baked goods and we all know you shouldn't eat too much of those!

So, I find myself still wanting to be nice. Sometimes I want to call or email her to say I'm quitting so she can find some other sucker to do the market, so the other girls don't have to suffer from it. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, give her another chance. Dan says it's because I'm nice. So my second question is: is that being nice or being weak?

On the fun front, Dan and I went with Jillian and her family to the Kauai Farm Bureau County Fair Thursday. They had a petting zoo for the kids, carnival rides, food and a contest for produce. She had 27 entries. We all met up and went straight for the tent to see what she had won. It was amazing to see! The tent was lined with vendors selling everything from tee-shirts and bonzais to solar systems and orchids. In the back, 4 rows of tables stretching about 40 feet were covered in fruits, vegetables and herbs that people had grown. It was exciting to see how much could be grown here. Someone is even growing apples!! Impossible here we thought; until we saw them. They are being grown on the west side, high up in the mountains of Kokee. 

From what we could ferret out, Jillian had won about 10 first and second prizes, it will be published in the Garden Island newspaper soon. We had a great time watching the kids get excited about the animals and carnival rides!

Dan gives Azure a ride into the fair.

Gary checking to see if their Noni entry won.

Okra, chili peppers and long beans.

Jillian got 1st place for her Hawaiian chili peppers

and second place for their taro used to make poi.

Jillian's friend Meako checks out the eggplant.

Giant squash

Ginger

More peppers, bell peppers are really hard to grow here because of the fruit flies. As are tomatoes and zucchini.

Jackfruit in the front and red dragon fruit.

Cherry tomatoes grow well here.

Philly and his wife Tara owners of Kauai Fungi, live on the property with Gary and Jillian. They won first place and second for their oyster mushrooms

but they were the only mushroom entries =)

Jillian's Ethiopian kale

Apples!!

Mangos

Avocados

Guava, papaya and longon.

Citrus

Jillian came in 4th overall.

Beautiful orchids

Dan checks out the goats

and a huge pig

while the kids run around with the animals.

In the end, I have decided. If she calls I will tell her, if she doesn't I won't! We are on our way to a waterfall 5 minutes from the house, it was dumping rain last night so it should have a lot of water!

The Process of Processing

For three days in a row it’s been cloudy and rainy. It warms up a bit late morning and early afternoon and then cools down again. Dan and I are grateful for the cooler temperatures but we (especially Dan) don’t care for him having to drive his moped in the rain. We are going to need a cheap island car soon.

I am happy to say that I am learning the art of processing my emotions. Sunday I was agitated, fear taunting around the edges. I ignored the fear; it was a small feeling, just a whisper. I thought I was agitated because I was getting worn out. We had a relaxing day, I read about writing and writers; Dan played his video game. 

Yesterday, the fear made itself known. By feeling and focusing during my morning yoga, I was able to see what was scaring me. Having the discussion with Dan gave me hope and writing the blog put it out in the open and pretty much purged it. I am always conflicted as to whether or not to post things like that. So negative, a downer. But, I want to keep it real and even in paradise things are scary. Maybe more so because it's so isolated. I'm glad I did! Crystal left a hopeful comment on my facebook page regarding my post with a link to an article. It's about a young couple who sold or donated all of their stuff, moved into a 400SF apartment with the goal of being debt free and living with 100 items. That means 1 fork is 1 item! They are happy with no debt and less stuff, a sign of our times the article says. That boosted me; reminding me of why we did what we did. To live simpler lives, with less stuff and no debt. There was a link to her blog called Rowdy Kittens. She's kind of doing what we are doing so, I am following her blog. On her blog I found another blog called 99% for creative professionals. Their tag line is "It's not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen". Very cool! Following that blog also! My senses heightened I click on another link and it takes me to The Art of Non Conformity, a website and blog for people who want unconventional jobs, jobs that have meaning. It also includes spirituality and travel and focuses on writers. Needless to say I am following that too. Last night when I went to bed I felt creative - something that had been eluding me for a week - and I had more energy.

This morning I noticed a new space opening up inside myself. I honestly feel that by processing my emotions, feeling them, accepting them and letting them go, it opens up space for me to fly higher. Normally, I would have just ignored it, stuffed it down deep into my back, making me clench my jaws a little more until so much fear and anger were stuffed that my neck, back, arms, shoulder and face hurt like crazy and demanded attention. Another small step for Marta kine!

Fear

It comes to me like a thief in the night, robbing me of my last hour of sleep; quickens my pulse and clenches it’s hands around my throat. 

I sink deeper into pigeon pose noticing the shallowness of my breath. I breathe deep into my lungs, down, pressing air into my belly; feeling what is there. I am taken back 18 years. It’s a warm sunny day in Colorado, I’m 26 and talking with my dad. My fiance and I have just split up. Dad suggests we take the money saved for the wedding and buy myself a home. It ends up being a fantastic little retreat type of home in Lakewood. The condo has 2 bedrooms - with a deck off each one, 2 full bathrooms, a vaulted ceiling, and backs to a park with huge trees and a nearby lake. It’s peaceful and it’s mine; I long to share it with my husband. 

Five years later I meet Dan. We get married and sell the condo in the same month. We buy a sweet house in the foothills of Golden with 3 acres. We have a view of the valley and the big blue Colorado sky. We see horses eating the tender summer grass, huge herds of elk graze in the fall, the fields covered in pure white snow, sparkling as the sun comes up and, mountain lion footprints in the frost of early spring. We love each other, we fight each other, we learn how to live in rhythm with each other. We get pregnant. We decide to build a home with my folks closer to work. They can watch the baby while we work; we can watch them as they age. We lose the baby. We move to Parker anyway. We spend 8 years in a house that backs to open space. A bike path right out the back gate Dan made for me erases my worries as the dogs and I tread thousands of steps. We invest in vacations and home improvements. Years of Easter, Fourth of July, Mother's day, Father's Day, birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas fly past as we spend cherished moments with family and friends. My brother and his wife have 5 kids. 

Tears run down my face as the rain starts to come down. I bring Baxter inside the yoga tent and we snuggle. As he comforts me; the tears come faster. I morn everything I gave up. My career of 25 years, our beautiful home, family, friends, security. I tell myself everyone is afraid of survival; everyone struggles with this. Friends in Colorado, California, Tennessee, Spain, here in Kauai; people all over the world. We all worry about our health, our happiness, our income, our families. It’s ok, Dan and I are doing it in paradise, that makes it better. I wasn’t prepared for the loss in income. So close to poverty level, except for our savings. 

I hear Dan upstairs stirring around in the kitchen. No dishwasher now, everything is hand washed; dishes pile up at every meal. As I walk in the door he greets me with a smile and says “that was short.” I say “yea.” He wants to know what’s wrong. After 14 years he can read me like his favorite book. He is not afraid to be present for my waves of overwhelming emotion. This strengthens me and I think about Marisol’s post on Facebook. About how life is less scary when you have someone to share it with. I can’t hide from him; he wants to know. My throat closes as I choke back the tears. My words are blocked by the sadness as I tell him “we aren’t stupid people, but we gave up so much.” I told him about the condo, the progression, all we used to have. Now, we have what is in our savings and enough to pay our living expenses. No extra money to pay for Lucy’s bad teeth, to have a nice dinner with friends, to get a bigger place. 

He asks me if I want to move back to the mainland. I say no, we’d be experiencing the same thing there. May as well feel it with stunning beauty surrounding us everyday. Trouble is, we’re working so hard we don’t get to enjoy it. We talk about our options. The easy way to make more money seems to do video, it’s what we know; what we’re good at. It feels flat. We talk about more options and redirect our focus. The fear has escaped me; set free from Dan’s support and love. Bolstered, I’m ready to start my day.