The Process of Processing

For three days in a row it’s been cloudy and rainy. It warms up a bit late morning and early afternoon and then cools down again. Dan and I are grateful for the cooler temperatures but we (especially Dan) don’t care for him having to drive his moped in the rain. We are going to need a cheap island car soon.

I am happy to say that I am learning the art of processing my emotions. Sunday I was agitated, fear taunting around the edges. I ignored the fear; it was a small feeling, just a whisper. I thought I was agitated because I was getting worn out. We had a relaxing day, I read about writing and writers; Dan played his video game. 

Yesterday, the fear made itself known. By feeling and focusing during my morning yoga, I was able to see what was scaring me. Having the discussion with Dan gave me hope and writing the blog put it out in the open and pretty much purged it. I am always conflicted as to whether or not to post things like that. So negative, a downer. But, I want to keep it real and even in paradise things are scary. Maybe more so because it's so isolated. I'm glad I did! Crystal left a hopeful comment on my facebook page regarding my post with a link to an article. It's about a young couple who sold or donated all of their stuff, moved into a 400SF apartment with the goal of being debt free and living with 100 items. That means 1 fork is 1 item! They are happy with no debt and less stuff, a sign of our times the article says. That boosted me; reminding me of why we did what we did. To live simpler lives, with less stuff and no debt. There was a link to her blog called Rowdy Kittens. She's kind of doing what we are doing so, I am following her blog. On her blog I found another blog called 99% for creative professionals. Their tag line is "It's not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen". Very cool! Following that blog also! My senses heightened I click on another link and it takes me to The Art of Non Conformity, a website and blog for people who want unconventional jobs, jobs that have meaning. It also includes spirituality and travel and focuses on writers. Needless to say I am following that too. Last night when I went to bed I felt creative - something that had been eluding me for a week - and I had more energy.

This morning I noticed a new space opening up inside myself. I honestly feel that by processing my emotions, feeling them, accepting them and letting them go, it opens up space for me to fly higher. Normally, I would have just ignored it, stuffed it down deep into my back, making me clench my jaws a little more until so much fear and anger were stuffed that my neck, back, arms, shoulder and face hurt like crazy and demanded attention. Another small step for Marta kine!

Are you insane?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

Albert Einstein 

I told this to my friend who was doing just that and suggested she try something different. We laughed as she tried once more to get the computer to do what she wanted. 

Have you ever done this? I know I have. You’re tired; it may be the end of your work day and the printer is jammed. You could be trying to get your car started in the morning, flooding it as you will it to start. That is on the simple end of the scale. The heavier side of the scale may be weighed down with shoulds. I should host the bake sale because they need me or, worse yet, I should do this job because it pays the bills. You keep going to the same job over and over, day in and day out, expecting to be happy because you are paying the bills. 

The vivid color of life is dull, you are uninspired and maybe even numb. Life seems full, you are living the American Dream. You make good money, have a nice home, pay your bills on time, are a respected member in your community, maybe you have a couple of “well adjusted” kids. You are a weekend warrior and take exotic vacations to extraordinary places. It takes a lot to get you excited and you find yourself wondering why you aren’t as excited as you know you can be. You look for connection on Facebook; an adrenaline rush in a video game, escape in a good book. Maybe you aren’t able to afford those things, in fact, you have no interest in being a weekend warrior but you still find life grey, dusty with long forgotten dreams and wishes that never came true. Hell on earth or, maybe limbo. You keep trying the same thing over and over, hoping to feel something like inspiration.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. 

Alan Cohen

The only real valuable thing is intuition. 

Albert Einstein

Here We Go!

"Who knows, maybe crazy means going to the same job every day". My friend Antoinette says to me over the phone, she has lived in Hawaii and I've called to ask her questions. "We are doing it!" I tell her and quickly fill her in. We have taken the dogs to the vet to get them started, they won't have to be quarantined once we get there. We have made home improvements and talked to a realtor, the house is going on the market in 2 weeks. We are having a garage sale in 2 weeks, the car, some jewelry, and some exercise equipment are on Craigslist. We going to Maui on a research trip in 3 weeks. I'm happy, it's coming together. It'll all work out, a mantra my friend Dyanne gave me. We may have a job once we get there so we are going to meet a doctor while we are out there. Antoinette is reassuring. As long as you embrace the aloha spirit you will be fine. I tell her that is why we are going. We want to slow down, make meaningful connections, heal, grow and of course paradise is the perfect place to do it. She tells me about the kindness of the friends she'd made there. Giving her a place to stay when needed, a ride. She says she knows they are friends for life and they would do anything for her, her voice echos with the love she feels for them, the softness they've imprinted on her soul. She says people go to Hawaii to heal. I think she is right, for Dan and I, crazy is going to this same job every day. When I hang up, I am estatic, this is the right thing to do, I know it. I am reminded of a favorite quote “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates quote